Category: Relationships

Empathy for certain emotions helps couples have difficult discussions about change, research finds.

Direct communication is the best way to get your partner to change, research finds.

Whether it is getting them to lose weight, spend less money or change life goals, being more direct is the best approach.

Naturally, these sorts of discussions are fraught with difficulty.

The emotional tone of the communication is vital.

Be empathetic

One key to having difficult discussions is empathy.

Research shows that people with stronger relationships tend to be better at reading the emotions of embarrassment, shame and sadness in their partner.

Couples who perceived these softer negative emotions more clearly tended to be more satisfied with their relationships.

In contrast, those who were better at spotting stronger negative emotions, like anger and contempt, had weaker relationships.

Dr Bonnie Le, the study’s first author, explained the reason:

“If you are appeasing with your partner — or feel embarrassed or bashful — and your partner accurately picks up on this, it can signal to your partner that you care about their feelings and recognize a change request might be hurtful.

Or if your partner is angry or contemptuous — what we call dominance emotions — that signals very different, negative information that may hurt a partner if they accurately perceive it.”

Reading embarrassment and shame

The study included 11 couples who had dated for an average of three years.

They were asked to discuss what aspects of their partner they wanted to change.

Naturally, this raised some strong emotions which the researchers asked the couples about after the discussion.

This procedure simulates a common way of dealing with relationship conflict: by asking your partner to change.

The results showed that couples able to read emotions like sadness, embarrassment and shame had stronger relationships.

This is probably because being able to read these emotions helps difficult discussions — like those requesting change — to go more smoothly.

However, reacting more strongly to anger and contempt likely derails difficult discussions early on.

Professor Stéphane Côté, study co-author, said:

“We think reading emotions allows partners to coordinate what they do and say to each other, and perhaps that is helpful when appeasement emotions are read, but not when anger emotions are read.

Anger seems to overpower any effect of reading emotions, which is consistent with lots of research findings on how anger harms relationships.”

Direct communication is the best way to get a partner to change.

It must be done sensitively, though, said Dr Le:

“It’s not bad to feel a little bashful or embarrassed when raising these issues because it signals to the partner that you care and it’s valuable for your partner to see that.

You acknowledge that what you raise may hurt their feelings.

It shows that you are invested, that you are committed to having this conversation, and committed to not hurting them.

And the extent to which this is noted by your partner may foster a more positive relationship.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Le et al., 2020).

Why some people dislike committing to a relationship and avoid a partner who is “clingy”.

People who avoid committing to a romantic relationship are often the product of over-intrusive or unresponsive parenting, research finds.

In other words, people who get too much attention from their parents, or too little, find relationship commitment harder.

Almost one-quarter of people in the study were found to have an ‘avoidant’ attachment style.

This means they dislike committing to a relationship and do not not like a partner who is “clingy”.

Being avoidant springs from having caregivers who were over-intrusive, i.e. who are always managing the child’s life and trying to do everything for them.

Avoidance is also the result of unresponsive parenting, which is the opposite of over-intrusive parenting.

Unresponsive parents show little warmth, are emotionally distance, may intentionally avoid their children and have few expectations of their child’s behaviour.

Both types of parenting — too much and too little — are linked to an avoidant attachment style as an adult.

Dr Sharon Dekel, the study’s first author, explained:

“Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.”

People who are avoidant tend to adopt an “infant-mother” intimacy model.

In other words, they are not looking for another emotionally mature adult, but rather a ‘mother’ or ‘father’ figure to look after them.

The study’s authors write:

“Avoidant individuals seem to need psychological nourishment from their partners as much as infants do, resembling an early developmental stage of relatedness.

Like the mother, the partner serves to validate the avoidant individual’s self.

However, similar to the avoidant infant, adults with an avoidant attachment style fear rejection and attempt to deactivate the attachment system by limiting closeness.

Avoidant individuals, then, present with an ongoing struggle between deep attachment needs and deep attachment
defenses.”

The study was published in The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease (Dekel & Farber, 2012).

People’s own personality also affects whether or not they are cheated on by their partner.

Women who are highly extraverted are more likely to cheat on their partner, research finds.

Extraverts are outgoing, social and full of energy.

Introverted women, meanwhile, are less likely to cheat on their partner.

Introverts tend to enjoy more solitary activities, prefer to think before they talk and enjoy focusing their mental energy inwards.

For men, no personality traits were strongly linked to infidelity, the results of two 3-year studies has found.

Neurotic partners

Instead, the research revealed that your own personality has an important effect on whether your partner cheats on you.

The data from newlywed couples found that partner neuroticism is critical.

People with neurotic partners were more likely to cheat, whether it was the man or the woman.

Neuroticism is a personality trait that is strongly linked to anxiety, sadness, irritability and self-consciousness.

In addition, men with wives who were highly narcissistic were also more likely to cheat.

8% cheated within 3 years

For the two studies, 227 couples were surveyed and followed over around 3 years.

Along with personality tests, they were asked if they had been unfaithful.

Around 8 percent of couples admitted infidelity within the first three years of marriage.

The study’s authors write:

“…infidelity may be better explained by partner (versus own) personality.

Given that people’s own enduring characteristics and their partners’ enduring characteristics influence their shared environment, it is possible that people’s partners’ personality traits, specifically, influence the negativity of their shared environment to a greater extent than do people’s own personality traits.”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Altgelt et al., 2018).

Men and women cheat on their partners for different reasons, research finds.

Men who are risk-takers, easily excited sexually, or those that have performance anxiety are most likely to cheat, research finds.

For women, the pattern is different.

Women are motivated more by their levels of happiness and satisfaction with the relationship.

In other words: women who are unhappy are more likely to cheat.

Professor Robin Milhausen, who led the study, explained that most studies on infidelity have looked at demographic factors:

“Few studies on infidelity have gone beyond exploring demographics.

This research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought — that personality matters more, especially for men.”

One-in-five unfaithful

The research involved almost one thousand men and women in monogamous relationships.

The results showed that 23 percent of men and 19 percent of women admitted being unfaithful at some point.

Men’s infidelity was predicted by personality factors like risk-taking.

Professor Milhausen said:

“People might seek out high-risk situations to help them become aroused, or they might choose to have sex with a partner outside of their regular relationship because they feel they have an ‘out’ if the encounter doesn’t go well — they don’t have to see them again.”

For women it was more about their satisfaction with the relationship.

Dissatisfaction made them twice as likely to cheat.

Professor Milhausen said:

“All kinds of things predict infidelity.

What this study says is that when you put all of those things together, for men, personality characteristics are so strong they bounce everything else out of the model.

For women, in the face of all other variables, it’s still the relationship that is the most important predictor.”

Professor Milhausen continued:

“Taken at face value, this research might seem to just support sexual stereotypes: Women are just concerned about the relationship, and, for men, once a cheater, always a cheater, regardless of their relationship.

But the caveat is that there are a lot of variants and factors that are not explained here that might impact whether someone cheats.”

The study was published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior (Mark et al., 2011).

The study involved 82 couples who were followed from the first few months of their marriage.

The key to marital satisfaction for many people is having a more realistic view of marriage, research finds.

People who expect difficult times often do better in the long-term than those who expect nothing but wedded bliss.

The only exception is for people who have very good relationship skills — for them high expectations can translate into higher marital satisfaction.

Professor James McNulty, who co-authored the study, said:

“Over the long term, it is important for marriage partners to have accurate knowledge of their relationship’s strengths and weaknesses.

Satisfaction goes down when a spouse’s expectations don’t fit with reality.”

The findings come as a surprise to some, as therapists sometimes recommend that couples keep their expectations high.

Professor McNulty said:

“There’s been a lot of emphasis on the idea of positive illusions in marriage.

Sure, it may make you happy in the short-run to think your spouse is better than he or she actually is, but if the reality doesn’t match the image, eventually your satisfaction is going to decline.”

The study involved 82 couples who were followed from the first few months of marriage.

All had their marital problem-solving skills assessed, along with their expectations and how much they tended to blame their partner for anything that went wrong.

After the four years of the study, those that had the highest expectations, along with the worst problem-solving skills, were the least satisfied with their marriages.

However, those with good relationship skills were better off to maintain higher expectations.

Professor McNulty explained:

“Many people would think couples with good relationship skills but low expectations would be pleasantly surprised by the positive outcomes that would come about because of their good relationship skills.

But if they have low expectations, they may not put forth the effort to work on their relationship.

So their low expectations really prevent them from taking advantage of their skills and achieving their potential satisfaction.”

In other words, if you’ve got good relationship and problem-solving skills, aim high.

If not, best to have more modest expectations of marriage.

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (McNulty & Karney, 2004).

Psychologists can predict which relationships will go the distance.

Two signs a relationship will last are that both partners have similar needs and similar levels of satisfaction at the start of the relationship.

For example, the relationships of people who have similar needs for closeness tend to last longer.

Those who have similar needs for maintaining a separate life tend to stay together longer.

People who start off having dissimilar needs, though, face a higher risk of splitting up later on.

The same is true where one partner is less satisfied than the other at the start.

In contrast, people who are equally satisfied with their relationship at the start tend to stay together.

The conclusions come from a study that examined how relationship development affected whether people would stay together in the long-term.

Dr Christine Finn, the study’s first author, said:

“Predictions as to the longevity of a relationship are definitely possible.

Right at the outset of a relationship, one can find typical features – that is to say certain prediction variables – that provide information on whether or not the relationship will be long-lasting.”

The study included 1,965 couples whose relationships were tracked for seven years.

Sixteen percent of couples broke up during the study period.

The researchers applied two models of relationship development in their work.

The first is based on the idea that people’s relationship problems develop during the relationship rather than being unchangeable from the very start.

The second model is based on the idea that people start at different levels of relationship satisfaction.

Dr Finn explained:

“We have now discovered that there is actually a combination of the two models.

We too can confirm that there are differing levels to begin with.

In addition, happiness declines in both groups.

However, in those who later separate, this happens significantly faster, meaning that a person who starts off unhappy becomes increasingly unhappy.”

Despite this, no relationship is doomed to fail right from the start, said Dr Finn:

“It is not our intention to further reinforce the general trend for optimisation and only to have a relationship that is result-oriented, with the prospect of it being long-lasting.

Even if couples split up after a time, it can still be a valuable and important phase in their lives, which might have a positive influence on the next relationship.

Furthermore, couples can also consciously influence and work on their mutual interests and on cultivating closeness as well as independence.”

The study was published in the journal Developmental Psychology (Finn et al., 2020).

The best marital investment you can make takes just 21 minutes a year.

A short writing exercise helps couples feel more satisfied with their marriages, research finds.

For the exercise, couples are asked to write about their last disagreement from a neutral perspective.

They try to imagine that this neutral person wants the best for both people in the relationship.

Psychologists call this ‘reappraisal’ and it encourages people to think about a situation in a different way.

The study’s results showed that doing this brief exercise three times a year prevented couples from losing their love for each other.

Professor Eli Finkel, the study’s first author, said:

“I don’t want it to sound like magic, but you can get pretty impressive results with minimal intervention.”

The study included 120 couples who were tracked over two years.

For the first year, the psychologists did nothing but track marital satisfaction.

As expected, everyone’s satisfaction with their marriage dropped in the first year.

Then, in the second year, half of the couples were given the 7-minute writing exercise to do on three occasions.

The results from the second year showed that all the couples still fought just as much as before.

However, the couples who had done the writing intervention did not let these fights affect them as badly.

As a result, they sustained their marital satisfaction through the second year, while the other group experienced another drop.

Professor Finkel said:

“Not only did this effect emerge for marital satisfaction, it also emerged for other relationship processes — like passion and sexual desire — that are especially vulnerable to the ravages of time.

And this isn’t a dating sample.

These effects emerged whether people were married for one month, 50 years, or anywhere in between.”

Marital satisfaction is not just critical to mental well-being, but also to physical health.

Professor Finkel said:

“Marriage tends to be healthy for people, but the quality of the marriage is much more important than its mere existence.

Having a high-quality marriage is one of the strongest predictors of happiness and health.

From that perspective, participating in a seven-minute writing exercise three times a year has to be one of the best investments married people can make.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Finkel et al., 2013).

Two questions that boost relationships satisfaction.

“How will I feel in one year about this current conflict in my relationship?”

That is the first question that makes people feel better about their relationship conflicts.

After asking this question, people feel more positive about their relationship, research reveals.

Taking up a future perspective like this causes people to interpret their relationship in a more positive light.

When people think about their future together, they tend to be more forgiving about current conflicts.

Mr Alex Huynh, the study’s first author, said:

“When romantic partners argue over things like finances, jealousy, or other interpersonal issues, they tend to employ their current feelings as fuel for a heated argument.

By envisioning their relationship in the future, people can shift the focus away from their current feelings and mitigate conflicts.”

For the study, couples were asked to think back to a recent conflict.

Half took a future-orientation to it while the remainder described it in the present.

People who imagined themselves in the future felt more positive about their relationships, the results showed.

A future orientation encouraged people to be more forgiving to their partner and also blame them less.

Mr Huynh said:

“Our study demonstrates that adopting a future-oriented perspective in the context of a relationship conflict — reflecting on how one might feel a year from now — may be a valuable coping tool for one’s psychological happiness and relationship well-being.”

How are you feeling?

A second simple question that can improve relationships is asking “How are you feeling?”

This is because couples are often poor at knowing when their partner is sad, lonely or a little down.

Instead, couples tend to assume their partner feels the same way as they do.

Asking “How are you feeling?” and working on ’empathic accuracy’ could improve the relationship.

Sadness and loneliness were particularly difficult to read, researchers have found.

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Huynh et al., 2016).

Up to half of people admit to cheating on their partner.

People who cheat at work are more likely to cheat on their partner as well.

Professional misconduct is linked to doubling the rate of marital infidelity, new research finds.

Another common sign of a cheating partner is having been unfaithful in past relationships.

Certain personality types are also more likely to cheat.

Men who are impulsive risk-takers are more likely to cheat on their partner.

Among women, being unhappy with their current relationship is linked with cheating.

On average, across men and women, extraverts are more likely to cheat on their partner, research finds.

It is probably because extraverted people have a wider social circle and so more opportunities to cheat.

Also, extraverts are impulsive, sensation-seekers who can easily succumb to their desires.

People who are low on conscientiousness are also more likely to cheat on their partner.

The latest conclusions about infidelity and professional misconduct come from an analysis of people using the Ashley Madison website.

Ashley Madison is a site for married people to have affairs: its slogan is “Life is short. Have an affair”.

In 2015 their site was hacked and details of 36 million users worldwide were released.

The study used this, along with professional misconduct data on 11,235 people with a variety of occupations, including CEOs, financial advisors and police officers.

Using these datasets, the researchers were able to show that people guilty of professional misconduct were twice as likely to use the Ashley Madison website to have an affair.

Dr Samuel Kruger, study co-author, said:

“This is the first study that’s been able to look at whether there is a correlation between personal infidelity and professional conduct.

We find a strong correlation, which tells us that infidelity is informative about expected professional conduct.”

The study was published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (Griffin et al., 2019).