Category: Relationships

1,523 pairs of friends and lovers were asked about their personalities, prejudices, values and attitudes.

People look for similarity in both their friendships and romantic relationships.

In a partner, people want someone with a similar personality, similar attitudes and values.

Similarity equals compatibility because couples do not change that much over the years.

That is why opposites generally do not attract — it is a fantasy that you will be able to make major changes to another person.

So, when two people meet for the first time, they are trying to work out what they have in common.

Any differences are only likely to be magnified over the years.

Dr Angela Bahns, the study’s first author, said:

“Picture two strangers striking up a conversation on a plane, or a couple on a blind date.

From the very first moments of awkward banter, how similar the two people are is immediately and powerfully playing a role in future interactions.

Will they connect? Or walk away?

Those early recognitions of similarity are really consequential in that decision.”

Birds of a feather

The conclusions come from a study in which 1,523 pairs of friends, lovers and mere acquaintances were asked about their personalities, prejudices, values and attitudes.

The results showed that people’s qualities did not converge over the years.

Instead, people choose to be friends and lovers with those who were already more similar to them at the outset.

Dr Bahns said:

“Anything that disrupts the harmony of the relationship–such as areas of disagreement, especially on attitudes, values, or preferences that are important–is likely to persist.

Change is difficult and unlikely; it’s easier to select people who are compatible with your needs and goals from the beginning.”

One should also pursue relationships with dissimilar people, though, said Professor Chris Crandall, study co-author:

“Getting along with people who aren’t like you is really useful.

Friends are for comfort, taking it easy, relaxing, not being challenged — and those are good things.

But you can’t have only that need.

You also need new ideas, people to correct you when you’re loony.

If you hang out only with people who are loony like you, you can be out of touch with the big, beautiful diverse world.”

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Bahns et al., 2016).

The best type of support to give your partner.

Giving more emotional support can improve relationships considerably. Partners who receive more empathy, concern and acceptance  experienced more positive emotions and had higher relationship satisfaction. Men, in particular, can improve their relationship by giving women more support of any type. However, men have a tendency to give advice, when what women often prefer is emotional support, such as empathy. Women can also improve their relationship by giving men more emotional support. The conclusions come from a study of 114 newlywed couples. All were asked about how much of two types of support they received from their partner:

• Emotional support: being empathetic, encouraging, trusting and caring.
• Informational support: providing solutions in the form of advice.

Overall, the results revealed that the best type of support to provide was emotional. The study’s authors explain:

“…receiving more emotional support was associated with more favorable affect and higher relationship satisfaction regardless of support preferences. Also, wives who received more informational support from their husbands had higher relationship satisfaction regardless of support preferences.”

However, not everyone likes the same type of support. Some people get more out of empathy and concern, while others prefer straightforward advice. Both too much or too little advice can be a source of irritation. The study’s authors explain:

“Husbands who experienced underprovision of informational support from their wives, experienced less favorable affect. In contrast, wives who experienced overprovision of informational support from their husbands experienced higher depressive symptoms.”

While there were differences in the types of support partners preferred, everyone was happy to get emotional support. So, if you are not sure if your partner wants empathy or advice, the default should be empathy first.

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The study was published in the Journal of Family Psychology (Lorenzo et al., 2018).