Self-focus blinds the narcissist to others, but there’s a way to break through.
Self-focus blinds the narcissist to others, but there’s a way to break through.
Narcissistic individuals are highly self-focused, so they have a problem with empathy.
This makes them hard to deal with because they are not naturally that concerned about your point of view — or anyone else’s.
However, forcing a narcissist to put themselves in someone else’s shoes can help them empathise.
The conclusion comes from a new study looking at how people can be encouraged to make charitable donations.
The researchers found that narcissists were not affected by appeals that focused on the charity recipient — the starving man, diseased woman or lost child.
The narcissist can’t see how this is relevant to them.
However, they were moved to donate by appeals that asked them to imagine themselves being starving, diseased or lost.
The key, then, is making the narcissist really feel that the calamity is happening to them.
When the narcissist projects themselves into the distressed person, they are much more motivated to act.
Dr Arun Lakshmanan, study co-author, said:
“It’s the difference between showing the need and asking the donor to ‘stand in someone else’s shoes.
Charitable giving is about having empathy — recognizing and responding to the needs and emotions of other people.
Narcissists have difficulty with that, so asking them to imagine themselves as the person in need can help elicit genuine concern and, thus, donations.”
Narcissists could not be reached when they could not imagine themselves in the recipient’s circumstances.
For example, when the disease only affects the opposite gender or animals.
Dr Lakshmanan said:
“Particularly for causes to which donors have little personal connection — an unfamiliar disease, a need halfway around the globe — we recommend using vivid pictures, first-person stories and ‘imagine-self’ language to draw in high-narcissism donors.”
The study was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Kang & Lakshmanan, 2018).
Grandiosity and confidence may lead to psychological benefits.
Grandiosity and confidence may lead to psychological benefits.
Young people who are somewhat grandiose and with an inflated sense of authority have higher levels of well-being, research finds.
Both of these traits — grandiosity and an inflated sense of self — are components of narcissism.
However, young people who displayed entitlement and a willingness to exploit others experienced lower life satisfaction.
This suggests that some aspects of narcissism can be beneficial to psychological health.
However, the findings were different for older people.
Narcissistic personality traits can change over the lifespan, explained Dr Patrick Hill, the study’s first author:
“Most people think of narcissism as a trait that doesn’t change much across the lifespan.
But a lot of recent studies have shown that the developmental trajectory of narcissism goes upward in adolescence and what we call emerging adulthood — the late teens and early 20s, and then typically declines.”
It may be that some aspects of narcissism are ‘useful’ when we are younger, but they naturally fade away with age.
The study included 368 undergraduate students and 439 of their family members.
It compared the personalities of young people with those of their mothers.
It tested both how they saw themselves and how they were seen by others.
The three aspects of narcissism the researchers examined were:
Inflated sense of leadership: a person who believes they know a lot and others should come to them for advice.
Grandiose exhibitionism: a person who likes to show off.
Entitlement and a willingness to exploit others.
In contrast to the findings for young people, older adults with narcissistic traits were seen by others as neurotic and unreliable.
There was also no benefit to life satisfaction for the first two narcissistic traits, as was seen in younger people.
Not all forms of narcissism are always bad, the research concludes.
Professor Brent Roberts, study co-author, said that narcissism can help people to…
…navigate adolescence and the turmoil involved in trying to find a sense of identity.
Later in life, however, those same traits appear to be related to less life satisfaction and a poorer reputation.”
The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Hill & Roberts, 2011).
What is covert narcissism? Discover the subtle traits, warning signs, and how to handle relationships with covert narcissists effectively.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism is a more subtle, insidious form of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) that can be difficult to detect.
Unlike overt narcissists who are more easily recognised due to their grandiose and attention-seeking behaviour, covert narcissists display a more passive and reserved façade.
They may come across as shy, self-effacing, or even insecure, but underneath this veneer, they still harbour the same self-centred traits as their more overt counterparts.
While an overt narcissist will openly demand admiration and validation, the covert narcissist seeks these through indirect means, often using manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and emotional abuse.
15 Common Signs of a Covert Narcissist
Identifying covert narcissism can be challenging because it doesn’t manifest in obvious ways.
However, there are certain signs to watch out for, many of which are subtle but toxic.
Below are 15 common traits:
Insecurity: Covert narcissists often present themselves as uncertain or lacking confidence. However, this insecurity often masks a deep sense of superiority.
Passive-Aggression: Instead of direct confrontation, covert narcissists resort to passive-aggressive tactics, like sarcasm, silent treatment, or veiled criticisms.
Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Even minor criticism can lead to extreme emotional reactions, as covert narcissists are deeply fragile and insecure.
Procrastination: They may delay tasks that others depend on, showing disregard for the needs of others.
Chronic Envy: No matter how much they achieve or possess, covert narcissists are always envious of others, fixating on what they don’t have.
Self-Deprecation: They may frequently put themselves down, but this is often a manipulative tactic to garner sympathy and reassurance.
Manipulation for Personal Gain: Covert narcissists subtly manipulate situations to ensure they get what they want, often at the expense of others.
Anxiety and Depression: Due to their heightened sensitivity and internal struggles, they are prone to bouts of anxiety and depression.
Superficial Relationships: They often lack the capacity for deep, meaningful relationships, keeping interactions at a surface level.
Blame-Shifting: They rarely accept responsibility for their actions and will frequently blame others for their mistakes or shortcomings.
Attention-Seeking Through Victimhood: Instead of demanding admiration, they seek attention by playing the victim, constantly highlighting their struggles.
Poor Boundaries: Covert narcissists believe their needs are more important, leading them to frequently overstep others’ boundaries.
Difficulty Fitting In: They may struggle in social situations, as their insecurities make it hard for them to connect with others authentically.
False Altruism: While they may appear kind and helpful, their good deeds often have ulterior motives—usually seeking praise and validation.
Fear of Exposure: A covert narcissist’s biggest fear is being exposed for their true nature, leading them to avoid the spotlight or situations where they might be scrutinised.
A covert narcissist may appear humble and quiet, but their manipulative tactics can be just as damaging as those of an overt narcissist.
Covert Narcissist vs. Overt Narcissist: Key Differences
Though both covert and overt narcissists share the same underlying traits—such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of self-importance—the way these traits are expressed differs significantly.
Overt narcissists are brash, attention-seeking, and often boastful. They openly demand admiration and expect to be the centre of attention.
Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are more reserved and may come across as shy or self-doubting. Their need for admiration is not overt, but they still crave validation through more subtle, indirect means, such as playing the victim or using passive-aggression to manipulate others.
While overt narcissists are easier to identify due to their flamboyant behaviour, covert narcissists can fly under the radar, making their manipulation all the more harmful.
How Covert Narcissists Manipulate Others Subtly
One of the defining features of covert narcissism is the subtle, yet pervasive manipulation tactics employed to control those around them.
These methods can leave the victim feeling confused, guilty, and questioning their own reality.
Gaslighting: Covert narcissists often distort facts or outright deny things they’ve said or done, causing their victims to doubt their own memories or perceptions.
Playing the Victim: They frequently position themselves as the wronged party, seeking sympathy and validation from others while deflecting blame.
Silent Treatment: This is a common tactic where the covert narcissist will withdraw all communication, leaving the victim feeling isolated and desperate for resolution.
Triangulation: They may involve a third party in conflicts to create a sense of rivalry or to further manipulate the situation.
Covert narcissists are masters at creating confusion and self-doubt in their victims, often leaving them questioning their own sanity.
Protecting Yourself from Emotional Abuse
If you find yourself in a relationship with a covert narcissist, whether it be a romantic partner, family member, or colleague, protecting yourself from their toxic behaviour is essential.
Here are some practical steps you can take:
Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable, and be prepared to enforce those boundaries.
Limit Engagement: The less you engage in their manipulation, the less power they will have over you. Do not take the bait when they try to provoke you.
Seek Support: Whether through friends, family, or a therapist, having a support network can help you maintain perspective and avoid falling into the trap of self-blame.
Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut and don’t allow the narcissist to make you doubt your own perceptions.
Long-Term Effects of Being in a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist
The emotional and psychological toll of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be profound and long-lasting.
Victims may experience:
Low Self-Esteem: Constant manipulation and gaslighting can erode a person’s self-confidence, leaving them feeling worthless and unimportant.
Anxiety and Depression: The emotional strain of dealing with a covert narcissist can lead to significant mental health issues, including chronic anxiety and depression.
Trust Issues: After being manipulated and deceived by a covert narcissist, victims may struggle to trust others, making future relationships difficult.
Trauma Bonding: Some victims may develop a psychological attachment to their abuser, known as trauma bonding, where they feel unable to leave the relationship despite the damage it’s causing.
Living with a covert narcissist can leave long-lasting scars, as their manipulation is often subtle but deeply damaging.
Can Covert Narcissists Change?
A common question asked by those dealing with covert narcissists is whether they can change.
The short answer is: it’s complicated.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a deeply ingrained condition, and while it is possible for a narcissist to change, it is extremely rare without significant, long-term therapy.
Even then, change is only possible if the narcissist is truly motivated to do so, which is often not the case.
Therapy: A narcissist must be willing to engage in therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), to address their behaviours and learn to empathise with others.
Self-Awareness: Developing self-awareness is crucial for change, but many narcissists lack this capability or refuse to acknowledge their toxic behaviours.
For most people dealing with covert narcissists, the best course of action is to protect themselves by setting boundaries and limiting engagement.
Discover the key signs of narcissism, from grandiosity to lack of empathy, and learn to recognise narcissistic behaviour in relationships.
Understanding the signs of narcissism can help you navigate relationships with narcissists and protect yourself from emotional harm.
Narcissism is more than just self-obsession or vanity.
It’s a complex personality disorder characterised by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy.
What is Narcissism?
At its core, narcissism refers to an excessive focus on oneself.
While many people may exhibit narcissistic traits at some point in their lives, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a more severe, chronic condition.
Individuals with NPD often struggle with maintaining healthy relationships and may be unaware of how their behaviour affects others.
Key Features of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Grandiosity – an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Need for admiration – craving constant attention and praise
Lack of empathy – difficulty understanding or caring about others’ feelings
Entitlement – expecting special treatment or believing they deserve more than others
Exploitative behaviour – using others to achieve personal goals
Arrogance – acting superior to others in both attitude and behaviour
Early Warning Signs of Narcissism
Narcissistic traits may not be immediately obvious, but certain early behaviours can signal deeper issues.
Recognising these signs early can help you protect yourself before the relationship becomes more toxic.
Subtle Early Behaviours to Watch For:
Constant need for validation – they frequently seek compliments or affirmation.
Self-centred conversations – they always steer conversations back to themselves.
Dismissive of others’ opinions – they tend to ignore, belittle, or brush off the perspectives of others.
Frequent boasting – they boast excessively about their achievements or status.
Lack of accountability – they avoid taking responsibility for mistakes or failures.
Key Signs of Narcissism
As narcissistic behaviour intensifies, several hallmark signs become more apparent.
These behaviours tend to undermine healthy relationships and cause emotional harm to those around them.
Grandiosity and a Sense of Superiority
Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others.
They often expect others to treat them as special or more important than anyone else.
Lack of Empathy
One of the most troubling signs of narcissism is a lack of empathy.
Narcissists struggle to connect emotionally with others and have difficulty understanding or caring about others’ feelings.
Exploitative Behaviour
Narcissists often view people as tools to achieve their own goals.
They may manipulate or exploit others to get what they want, without any regard for the other person’s feelings or needs.
Arrogance and Entitlement
Narcissists believe they deserve the best of everything and often become frustrated or angry if they don’t get what they want.
This sense of entitlement leads them to expect special treatment from others.
Envy of Others
Narcissists are frequently envious of others and believe others are envious of them.
They constantly compare themselves to others and feel threatened by the success or happiness of others.
Types of Narcissism
While narcissism may manifest differently from person to person, it can generally be divided into distinct types.
Grandiose Narcissism
This is the most recognisable form of narcissism, often characterised by arrogance, exaggerated self-importance, and a relentless pursuit of admiration.
Grandiose narcissists display a high level of confidence and seek dominance in every interaction.
They often believe they are superior to others and crave validation, using manipulation and charm to get what they want.
Key traits: arrogance, entitlement, lack of empathy, and exploitative behaviour.
Vulnerable Narcissism
In contrast to the grandiose type, vulnerable narcissists are more introverted and insecure.
They may exhibit narcissistic traits as a defence mechanism to protect themselves from perceived rejection or inadequacy.
These individuals often feel unappreciated or victimised, leading to hypersensitivity to criticism and an underlying sense of fragility.
Key traits: hypersensitivity, low self-esteem, social withdrawal, and feelings of inadequacy.
Malignant Narcissism
This form combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behaviour and is considered the most dangerous.
Malignant narcissists not only seek admiration but also display tendencies for manipulation, aggression, and a lack of remorse.
Their behaviour can be abusive and harmful to those around them, driven by a need for power and control over others.
Key traits: aggression, sadism, manipulativeness, and a lack of remorse.
Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissists, also known as closet narcissists, are less overt in their behaviour but still possess many of the classic traits of narcissism.
They may appear shy, self-deprecating, or introverted but harbour deep feelings of grandiosity.
This type is often difficult to spot because they hide their narcissism behind a mask of humility or even insecurity.
Narcissistic behaviours can cause significant damage in personal relationships.
Whether it’s a romantic partner, a family member, or a friend, dealing with a narcissist can leave you feeling drained and emotionally bruised.
Common Relationship Dynamics with Narcissists:
Lack of emotional connection – narcissists struggle to form deep, meaningful connections.
Manipulation and control – they often use manipulation to control others and maintain power in relationships.
Blame-shifting – they rarely accept fault and will often blame others for problems.
Emotional abuse – narcissists may engage in subtle or overt forms of emotional abuse, leaving their partners feeling confused and hurt.
Causes and Risk Factors
The exact cause of narcissism is not fully understood, but several factors can contribute to the development of narcissistic traits or NPD.
Potential Causes:
Genetics – some studies suggest that narcissistic traits may have a genetic component.
Childhood experiences – overly critical or overly adoring parenting may contribute to narcissistic traits.
Environmental factors – societal pressures and cultural norms that emphasise competition and success can also influence narcissistic behaviours.
How to Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Behaviour
Navigating a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging, but there are steps you can take to protect your emotional well-being.
Practical Strategies for Coping:
Set firm boundaries – be clear about what behaviour is unacceptable and enforce boundaries consistently.
Limit emotional engagement – try not to get emotionally invested in their manipulative tactics.
Seek support – whether through therapy or supportive relationships, having a network to lean on can help you navigate difficult situations.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and it’s affecting your mental health, it may be time to seek professional help.
Narcissistic personality disorder can be difficult to manage without proper treatment, and therapy can help you develop strategies to protect your mental well-being.
Signs You May Need Professional Support:
You’re feeling overwhelmed by the narcissist’s behaviour.
You struggle to set and maintain boundaries.
The relationship is negatively affecting your self-esteem or mental health.
“They’re thinking really negative, hostile, critical things about other people.”
“They’re thinking really negative, hostile, critical things about other people.”
Narcissistic perfectionists — like the late Steve Jobs — are arguably the worst type of narcissists.
They are grandiose, see themselves as special, have a high sense of entitlement and extremely high expectations of others.
Plus, they love to criticise.
Logan Nealis, the study’s first author, said:
“A narcissistic perfectionist parent demands perfect performance from his daughter on the hockey rink, but not necessarily from anyone else out there.
They’re getting a sense of vitality or self-esteem through the perfect performance of other people, and they bask in that glow vicariously.”
For the research, students were asked to keep 28-day diaries.
The results revealed that narcissistic perfectionists were socially toxic.
Dr Simon Sherry, study co-author, said:
“Our most consistent finding across the two studies is that narcissistic perfectionism is associated with social negativity in the form of anger, derogation, conflict and hostility.”
Dr Sherry continued:
“When you look at what appears to be happening between the ears of a narcissistic perfectionist, you see they’re thinking really negative, hostile, critical things about other people.
They maintain this superior sense of themselves: ‘I’m perfect, I’m awesome, and you’re not so you’re defective.”
The study’s authors analyse the biographies of famous narcissistic perfectionists, include former Apple CEO, Steve Jobs:
“According to one biography, [Jobs] expected perfection from others in an entitled, demanding, and hyper-critical manner.
Employees reported going from ‘hero to zero’ in Jobs’ estimation after even minor mistakes; employees also noted Jobs routinely derogated them in front of co-workers.”
Logan Nealis said:
“If you have high expectations of someone, that may well be a positive thing—if it’s paired with a warm, nurturing interpersonal style.
But high expectations paired with feelings of grandiosity and entitlement to the perfect performance of others creates a much more negative combination.”
Dr Sherry continued:
“We may be characterizing a problem of our times.
It may very well be that we live in an age of entitlement where grandiose demands are often made in everyday life.
Narcissistic perfectionists have a need for other people to satisfy their unreasonable expectations… And if you don’t, they get angry [see: narcissistic rage].
Making them more aware of the impact [their actions] ultimately have on others might—keyword, “might”—spark change.”
The study was published in the Journal of Research in Personality (Nealis et al., 2015).
Infidelity often has a highly corrosive effect on relationships.
Infidelity often has a highly corrosive effect on relationships.
Narcissism is one of the strongest predictors that someone will cheat in their relationship, research finds.
Narcissists are likely to be vain, egocentric and over-confident — they like to show off their bodies, talk about themselves and put other people down.
Two other personality factors that predict people’s infidelity are unstable emotions and psychopathy.
People who are unstable are unreliable, careless, badly organised and find it hard to resist temptation.
Psychopaths, meanwhile, are irresponsible, spontaneous and manipulative.
The authors write:
“One of the strongest predictors is Narcissism.
Women high on Narcissism predict that they will flirt with, kiss, and date other men, as well as have one night stands, brief affairs, and serious affairs with other men.”
The results come from a study of 107 married couples who reported on their relationships and any infidelity.
Naturally, people who were dissatisfied with their relationship were more likely to have affairs.
Similarly, couples who had many complaints about their partners were also more likely to have an affair.
Complaints that predicted adultery included alcohol abuse, eyeing up other people, jealousy, condescension and being too possessive.
After narcissism, the authors explain that…
“…two equally strong predictors of mild and serious infidelity are low Conscientiousness and high Psychoticism.
These variables are correlated, and share the common component of impulsivity and inability to delay gratification.
And like Narcissism, Conscientiousness and Psychoticism are stronger predictors of women’s anticipated infidelities than men’s anticipated infidelities.
These findings suggest that a personality style marked by impulsivity, low dependability, and low reliability in general carries over…”
Infidelity often has a highly corrosive effect on relationships, the authors write:
“Infidelity may be the most destructive source of conflict inflicted on a marriage.
Despite its destructive impact, infidelities are estimated conservatively to occur in about half of all marriages.”
