Category: Relationships

One of the challenges of a breakup is separating psychologically from an ex-partner.

Thinking about a romantic breakup is a surprising key to overcoming it, psychologists have found.

After mentally going over the breakup several times, people in the study felt less lonely and more secure in their own self-concept.

One of the challenges of a breakup is separating psychologically from an ex-partner.

Thinking about the breakup and creating a narrative of recovery helps to build a stronger self-concept, researchers have found.

For the study, 210 people who had recently experienced a relationship breakup were split into two groups.

One group just completed two questionnaires, while the second group had a more intensive battery of tests on four separate occasions.

Each time they were forced to reflect on their relationship and the breakup in different ways.

Dr Grace Larson, the study’s first author, said:

“At first glance, it might seem like repeatedly reminding participants that they had just broken up — and asking them to describe the breakup over and over — might delay recovery.”

The questions helped people themselves as single.

The idea is to encourage people to psychologically untangle themselves from their ex-partner.

The results showed that seeing oneself as separate helps emotional recovery.

Dr Larson said:

“The process of becoming psychologically intertwined with the partner is painful to have to undo.

Our study provides additional evidence that self-concept repair actually causes improvements in well-being.”

While the researchers are not sure exactly why reflecting on the relationship aids recovery, Dr Larson thinks:

“…it might be simply the effect of repeatedly reflecting on one’s experience and crafting a narrative — especially a narrative that includes the part of the story where one recovers.”

Although most people do not have access to a psychological study to help them get over a breakup, they can still mimic the process.

Dr Larson said:

“For instance, a person could complete weekly check-ins related to his or her emotions and reactions to the breakup and record them in a journal.”

Dr Larson advises that an independent self-concept is vital to recovery:

“The recovery of a clear and independent self-concept seems to be a big force driving the positive effects of this study, so I would encourage a person who recently experienced a breakup to consider who he or she is, apart from the relationship.

If that person can reflect on the aspects of him- or herself that he or she may have neglected during the relationship but can now nurture once again, this might be particularly helpful.”

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Larson & Sbarra, 2015).

It reduces the chance of conflict and makes both partners feel good.

Being responsive is the key to improving relationships, research finds.

Responsiveness means more than just listening, it is being tuned in to your partner’s needs and feeling compassion.

The most powerful way of being responsive is firstly, listening to and understanding what they are going through and secondly, responding with sympathy and compassion.

Responsiveness creates a sense of validation and feeling cared for.

Responsive partners make each other feel safe and stable.

For the study, 91 couples discussed stressful aspects of their relationship and how their partner responded.

The results showed that understanding your partner was not enough, they also needed to be concerned.

Dr Lauren Winczewski, the study’s first author, said:

“When people were empathically accurate — when they had an accurate understanding of their partner’s thoughts and feelings — they were more responsive only when they also felt more empathic concern, more compassion and motivation to attend to their partner’s needs.

People might assume that accurate understanding is all it takes to be responsive, but understanding a partner’s thoughts and feelings was helpful only when listeners were also feeling more compassionate and sympathetic toward their partner.

When listeners had accurate knowledge but did not feel compassionate, they tended to be less supportive and responsive.”

Being responsive has been repeatedly shown to reduce stress, improve the emotions and boost self-esteem.

Dr Winczewski continued:

“You can know very well what your partner is thinking and feeling — maybe you’ve heard this story 17 times, the fight with the boss and so on — but if you don’t care?

Having accurate knowledge in the absence of compassionate feelings may even undermine responsiveness.”

Over time, people build up a picture of their partner’s responsiveness from many small interactions.

Dr Winczewski said:

“People use these kinds of interactions as diagnostic of their partner’s motivation and ability to respond to their needs.

‘If that’s how you’re responding to me now, is that how you’ll respond to me again in the future?’

Over time, you may build trust in your partner’s responsiveness or you may start to wonder if your partner is even willing, let alone able, to respond to your needs.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Winczewskiet al., 2016).

How income affects whether people cheat on their partner.

People who earn less than their partner are more likely to cheat on them than those earning equal amounts, a study concludes.

Men may be more tempted to cheat in this situation because they feel threatened by their partner’s income.

However, men earning much more than their female partner are also more likely to cheat than those earning equal amounts.

Similarly, women were more likely to cheat when dependent on their partner — although not if they earned more.

Explaining the findings, Dr Christin Munsch, the study’s author, said:

“At one end of the spectrum, making less money than a female partner may threaten men’s gender identity by calling into question the traditional notion of men as breadwinners.

At the other end of the spectrum, men who make a lot more money than their partners may be in jobs that offer more opportunities for cheating like long work hours, travel, and higher incomes that make cheating easier to conceal.”

The conclusions come from a study of 18- to 28-year-old married and cohabiting couples.

All had been married for at least one year.

The results showed that men whose income is either significantly higher or lower than than their female partner are more likely to cheat on them.

Men who were most faithful generally had partners who earned around 75% of their own income.

In the six month period of the study, 3.8% of men reported cheating on their partner, while 1.4% of women reported cheating.

Women who earned more than their partners, though, were actually less likely to cheat on them.

The study was published in the journal American Sociological Review (Munsch et al., 2015).

The skill helps build stronger relationships and even contributes to better long-term health.

Listening from the heart can improve relationships, research finds.

Clear and explicit support helps to reduce tension and stress levels and improve the other person’s emotional state.

This helps build stronger relationships and even contributes to better long-term health.

Here are three tips for providing supportive communication:

• Acknowledging the person is under stress

While the situation might not seem stressful to you, remember that people are different.

Acknowledge that your partner requires comforting.

• Use verbal and nonverbal forms of communication

Listening and asking questions, using eye contact and touching can all help reduce stress levels.

• Provide emotional support

Unless someone asks for advice, do not offer it.

Instead, focus on providing emotional support.

This just involves listening and asking questions so you understand the problem.

Professor Jennifer Priem, who led the research, said:

“The fastest stress recovery comes from explicit messages.

When a partner is stressed they are unable to focus on interpreting messages well.

Clarity and eye contact help.”

One of the classic mistakes people make is to dismiss their partner’s stress, Professor Priem said:

“If your partner is feeling stressed, telling him or her ‘don’t worry about it’ or trying to distract the person from the stress by changing the subject is generally not going to help.”

The conclusions come from a study in which 103 people did stressful tasks while being supported by their dating partner.

Levels of the ‘stress hormone’ cortisol, along with ratings by trained observers, helped assess the type of supportive communication that was effective.

It emerged that really supportive communication helped lower cortisol levels.

Other research has shown that this can help improve sleep, reduce headaches and even benefit the heart.

Professor Priem said:

“Cookie cutter support messages don’t really work.

Stress creates a frame through which messages are interpreted.

Support that is clear and explicit in validating feelings and showing interest and concern is most likely to lower cortisol levels and increase feelings of wellbeing and safety.

If you aren’t seeing improvement in your partner’s anxiety, you may need to change your approach.”

The study was published in the journal Communication Research (Priem et al., 2015).

This activity causes untold relationship distress.

Sharing out the dishwashing duties more fairly could be one of the best ways to improve a relationship, new research suggests.

Out of all household chores, (not) doing the dishes is the most likely to damage a relationship.

Women in heterosexual relationships who did more dishes than their partners reported:

• Lower relationship satisfaction,
• more relationship conflict,
• and worse and less sex.

The study looked at different household tasks including shopping, cleaning and laundry.

It revealed that there is something particularly irritating about doing the dishes.

Dr Dan Carlson, who led the study, thinks it is because dishwashing is a thankless task, unlike cooking which attracts praise.

Also, it is yucky.

Men improving, but…

Men are picking up some of the slack in the household chores department, research has found.

Between 1999 and 2006 the couples who shared dishwashing duty rose from 16% to 29%.

Per week, men now do 4 hours of housework compared with two in 1965.

Still way off a perfect score for men, but an improving trend.

The study’s authors write:

“Contrary to arguments of a stalled gender revolution, the authors find that contemporary couples more often share all routine tasks (other than shopping) than couples in the past, with the greatest change in dishwashing and laundry.

The equal sharing of housework is more positively related to sexual intimacy and relationship satisfaction among more recent cohorts and more negatively related to marital discord.”

Of course, men will argue that their share is done in other areas, like lawn mowing, car cleaning and DIY.

However, men still avoid the least desirable jobs, like cleaning the toilet and the laundry.

Naturally, this can create resentment — especially when other couples are seen to share out the work more equally.

The study was published in the journal Socius (Carlson et al., 2018).

The type of car that is more attractive to women.

Men with flashy cars are seen by others as being more interested in short-term sexual relationships, new research finds.

Indeed, women interested in a short-term relationship also found men with flashy cars more attractive.

However, people did not think a man with a flashy car would make a good life partner.

Instead, those looking long-term preferred someone with more  sensible taste — presumably so he’s got money left over for the family.

Dr Daniel Kruger, study co-author, said:

“Participants demonstrated an intuitive understanding that men investing in the display of goods featuring exaggerated sensory properties have reproductive strategies with higher mating effort and greater interest in short-term sexual relationships, as well as lower paternal investment and interest in long-term committed romantic relationships than men investing in practical considerations.”

For the study, both men and women read descriptions of two men purchasing a new car.

The authors explain:

“One man purchased a new car for the sake of reliability (frugal investment); the other purchased a used car and allocated the remaining funds to conspicuous display features (new paint, larger wheels, louder sound system).”

And the results:

“Participants rated the man who invested in flashy display higher on mating effort, lower on parental investment, higher on interest in brief sexual affairs, lower on interest in long-term committed romantic relationships, higher in attractiveness to women for brief sexual affairs, and lower in attractiveness to women for long-term committed romantic relationships, compared to the man with a frugal investment strategy.”

Generally, men prefer to show off their money more than women.

However, showing off your spending power is not always the best policy.

Sometimes it is better to show off your prudence — depending on the signal you want to send.

The study was published in the journal Evolutionary Psychological Science (Kruger & Kruger, 2018).

How tight is your grip on marriage?

Men with a stronger grip are more likely to be married than men with a weaker grip, new research finds.

The reason is probably that grip strength is a signal of cardiovascular health and even brain health.

Grip strength, though, was not linked to whether or not women were married.

Professor Vegard Skirbekk, the study’s first author, said:

“Our results hint that women may be favoring partners who signal strength and vigor when they marry.

If longer-lived women marry healthier men, then both may avoid or defer the role of caregiver, while less healthy men remain unmarried and must look elsewhere for assistance.”

The researchers analysed data from 5,009 adults in the Norwegian city of Tromsø.

They analysed two groups of people born in the periods 1923-35 and 1936-48.

The results showed there were more unmarried men with weaker grip strength in the younger group of men.

This reflects the lessening importance of marriage, especially in a socially progressive Scandinavian country like Norway.

Professor Skirbekk said:

“In recent decades, women are less dependent on men economically.

At the same time, men have a growing ‘health dependence’ on women.

The fact that many men are alone with a weak grip — a double burden for these men who lack both strength and a lack of support that comes from being married — suggests that more attention needs to be given to this group, particularly given their relatively poor health.”

Professor Skirbekk continued:

“New technologies may potentially offset some of the limitations that low grip strength may imply.

Social policies could also increasingly target this group by providing financial support for those who suffer the double-burden of low strength and lack of spousal support.”

The study was published in the journal SSM-Population Health (Skirbekk et al., 2018).