Category: Relationships

Online dating psychological research reveals who uses internet dating and why, which strategies work, and uncovers the truth about lying online.

Somewhere between one-third and three-quarters of single people with internet access have used online dating to try and meet someone new.

But, over the years, we’ve heard conflicting stories about how successful online dating is.

Believe the online dating companies and it’s all sweetness and light, with wedding bells ringing in the distance; believe the media scare stories and it’s all lying, cheating, perverted social misfits.

The truth is somewhere in between, but where?

Fortunately, now there’s enough research on online dating to suggest what’s really going on.

So, here are my 10 favourite psychological insights on online dating.

1. Online daters are not losers

Contrary to the stereotype, there’s little evidence that online dating is the last resort of social misfits or weirdos.

In fact, quite the reverse.

People doing online dating are more likely to be sociable, have high self-esteem and be low in dating anxiety (Kim et al., 2009; Valkenburg, 2007).

These studies of online dating found no evidence that people use it because they can’t hack it face-to-face.

It’s just one more way to meet new people.

People’s motivations to start online dating are many and various, typically involving a triggering event like a break-up, but overall Barraket and Henry-Waring (2008) have found that people’s motivations are less individual and more social.

People aren’t using online dating because they are shy but because they have moved to a new city, are working long hours or don’t have time to meet anyone new.

2. Online daters do lie (but only a little)

Although 94 percent deny their online dating profiles contain any fibs (Gibbs et al., 2006), psychologists are a suspicious lot.

Toma et al., (2008) measured the heights and weights of 80 people doing online dating, as well as checking their driving licences for their real age.

When this data was compared with their profiles, it showed that nine out of ten had lied on at least one of the attributes measured, but the lies were only small ones.

The most frequent offender was weight, with daters either adding or shaving off an average of 5 percent.

Daters were more truthful about their age (1.5 percent deviation) and height (1.1 percent deviation).

As expected women tended to shave off the pounds, while men gave themselves a boost in height.

These lies make little difference in the real world because the vast majority of fibbing would have been difficult to detect in person.

Most people want to meet up eventually so they know big lies are going to be caught.

3. Photo fallacies in online dating

The saying ‘the camera never lies’ is bunk.

Even without apps to iron out the wrinkles, camera angles and lighting can easily change perceived attractiveness.

People instinctively understand this when choosing their profile photo so Toma and Hancock (2010) took photographs of internet daters, then judges compared these to the real profile photos.

Although less physically attractive people were the most likely to choose a self-enhancing photo, overall the differences were tiny.

The lab photos were only a little less attractive than those chosen for online dating profiles (about 5 percent for women and 4 percent for men).

Once again, people doing online dating weren’t lying much…

4. Your best look when online dating

Clues to which types of profile photos work come from one online dating site which has analysed 7,000 photographs in its database (Oktrends, 2010):

• Women had higher response-rates when they made eye-contact with the camera and looked flirty. Conversely the least successful pictures for women were looking away with a flirty face.
• Men’s best look was away from the camera, not smiling. But guys should avoid a flirty face, which was associated with a drastic reduction in messages.

They then looked at which photos were associated with the longest online conversations.

These were where it showed the dater:

• Doing something interesting
• With an animal
• In an interesting location (travel photo)

The photos associated with shorter than average conversations were (in increasing order of conversational deterrent):

• In bed (associated with slightly shorter conversations)
• Taken outdoors
• Having fun with friends
• And the most likely to deter interactions: drinking! (associated with the shortest conversations)

(Remember, these are all associations so we can’t be sure about causality.)

5. Opposites (still) don’t attract online

Even amongst a diverse population of those doing online dating, people still prefer someone who is similar to themselves.

When Fiore and Donath (2005) examined data from 65,000 people doing online dating, they found that they were choosing based on similarity to themselves.

In this respect online dating is no different from offline dating.

On average people are looking for someone about the same as themselves.

Indeed there are now many online dating sites aimed at narrower demographics such as sports fans, Jewish people or those with particular medical conditions.

6. Online dating encourages some diversity

To examine online dating diversity, Dutton et al., (2009) surveyed 2,670 married couples in the UK, Australia and Spain.

In this sample people doing online dating were more likely to have a greater disparity in age and educational background compared with those who had met in more traditional ways.

Although opposites don’t tend to attract, by its nature internet dating does encourage diverse matches.

The authors argue that it is changing the face of marriage by bring together types of people who previously never would have met.

7. Keep the first message short in online dating

Getting a response when online dating can be a hit-and-miss affair.

An online dating site has gauged the response rate by analysing more than 500,000 initial contacts sent by their members (Oktrends, 2009).

Recipients answered only 30 percent of men’s messages to women and 45 percent of women’s messages to men.

The percentage that lead to conversations is even lower (around 20 percent and 30 percent respectively).

The one-third response rate, which is backed up by academic research (Rosen et al., 2008), is partly because many online dating accounts are dead.

Oktrends also found that longer messages only yield a small improvement in response rate for men and nothing for women.

So, don’t waste your time writing an essay.

Say hi and let them check out your profile.

8. Emotionality in online dating is attractive

In a study of online dating, Rosen et al., (2008) found evidence that more intense emotionality, e.g. using words like ‘excited’ and ‘wonderful’, made a better impression on both men and women.

This study also looked at the impact of self-disclosure.

While the results were more variable, overall people preferred relatively low-levels of self-disclosure.

9. After screening, 51% meet face-to-face

For many, but not all people doing online dating, the aim is to meet someone new in the flesh.

In a survey of 759 online daters, Rosen et al., (2008) found that 51 percent of people had made a face-to-face date within one week and one month of receiving replies to their online dating.

This first meeting is often treated by those doing online dating as the final part of the screening process (Whitty & Carr, 2006).

Is this person really who they say they are?

If so, is there any chemistry?

It’s only after this stage is complete that people can get to know each other.

10. Relationshopping in online dating

Despite all the positive things the research has to say about online dating, there’s no doubt that it can be unsatisfying and aversive.

132 online daters surveyed by Frost et al., (2008) reported that they spent 7 times as long screening other people’s profiles and sending emails than they did interacting face-to-face on real dates.

Part of the problem is that people are encouraged by online dating to think in consumerist terms (Heino et al., 2010).

Users are ‘relationshopping’: looking at other people’s features, weighing them up, then choosing potential partners, as though from a catalogue; it’s human relationships reduced to check-boxes.

This is more of a criticism of the technology currently available than it is of the general idea of online dating.

Frost et al., (2008) argue that this will change as online dating services move towards more experiential methods, such as virtual dates (see: why internet dating is aversive).

How well does online dating work?

There’s only limited data about how well online dating works and most of this research has examined heterosexual daters.

Still, Rosen et al., (2008) found that 29 percent of their sample had found serious relationships through online dating.

Dutton et al., (2009) found that about 6 percent of married couples had met online in the UK, 5 percent in Spain and 9 percent in Australia.

Looking at just younger people the percentages were much higher:

• In the US, 42 percent of couples between 26 and 35 first met online.
• In the UK, 21 percent of married couples between 19 and 25 first met online.

If a long-term relationship is what you’re after, we can certainly say that it’s working for some people.

Many are no doubt put off online dating by the scare stories, especially because these stick in the mind.

Some will find the box-ticking, relationshopping aspects off-putting, or get caught out by the tensions between representing their actual and idealised selves online.

Still others will find that low levels of response kills their enthusiasm.

The research, however, suggests that most people doing online dating are relatively honest and, for some at least, it can be successful.

→ Update: The research studies listed here is now somewhat old, but most of the general findings likely still hold true even if some of the statistics are out of date.

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How being an extravert or introvert affects your marital happiness.

Women who are introverted are satisfied with their marriages for longer, a study finds.

Introverts typically prefer their own company and may be seen by others as reserved — although it is not the same as shyness.

Similarly, women who are conscientious are also more satisfied with their lives after marrying.

People who are conscientious are more careful, efficient and self-disciplined — and they aim for achievement.

The study’s authors write:

“Such a result might be explained by the tendency for conscientious individuals to place more value on relationship goals and therefore conscientious individuals may strive harder to ensure success.

This result is consistent with conscientious individuals being more satisfied with their relationships.”

In contrast, extraverted men gain the most from being married in terms of life satisfaction, while introverted men gain the least.

Indeed, introverted men were less satisfied with life after getting married than those who never married.

The conclusions come from a study of 2,015 Germans who were followed over eight years.

During this time, 468 got married and their happiness was tracked.

The results showed that, on average, people’s happiness peaked near their marriage, then faded away after a year or two.

However, happiness changed over time in different ways depending on their personality.

Introverted women and extraverted men fared the best in the long-term.

Others felt the come-down within a year or two.

The drop in happiness was sharper for men, particularly for introverted men, the authors write:

“Whilst all men experience a pre-marital increase in their life satisfaction, men that are extraverted seem to experience longer-term benefits to their life satisfaction during marriage.

Introverted men, however, experience significant drops in their life satisfaction that result in them being approximately 0.20 SD [standard deviations] lower in life satisfaction than those who never marry.”

The study was published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences (Boyce et al., 2016).

Self-disclosure, which typically involves an exchange of intimacies, helps turn an acquaintance into a good friend.

Without self-disclosure, turning an acquaintance into a good friend can be hard.

Whether it’s romantic or platonic, there are endless reasons why people fail to connect and maintain their relationships with each other.

This disconnect isn’t always a result of some huge mistake by one person or the other, more often it’s just that people drift apart — sometimes through lack of self-disclosure.

Social bonds can be hard to maintain, especially when they aren’t based on firm routine footings like work, marriage or other institutions.

In explaining how people form strong relationships, psychologists – along with other social scientists – have long been interested in what personal information people reveal to each other in self-disclosure.

This research has culminated in recent studies of self-disclosure in internet daters and how they reveal (or fail to reveal) information about themselves.

Not just deep and meaningful

Research on self-disclosure is enormous, addressing issues such as when people choose to self-disclose, for what reasons and whether it is effective.

Within this research though, Greene, Derlega and Mathews (2006) point out some highlights.

Self-disclosure brings to mind earnest conversations about our deepest hopes and fears.

But self-disclosure is also about simply sharing our preferences for music, food or books.

These can play an equally important role in forming relationships as those deep and meaningful conversations.

Romantic partners often go through an initial stage of frantic self-disclosure.

Changing circumstances reveal different patterns of self-disclosure.

In contrast, long-term partners may reduce their self-disclosure alarmingly as the relationship lengthens.

But not all disclosure is good disclosure.

Early studies on self-disclosure confirm that too much self-disclosure too soon can be off-putting.

When someone you’ve just met starts pouring out their heart, it can make you want to run away.

Self-disclosure affects perceptions

One of the main reasons we engage in self-disclosure is because of how it affects other people’s perceptions of us, and indeed, our perceptions of other people.

We want others to like us so we tell them our secrets.

Does this really work or is it just a fantasy peddled by movie and TV script-writers?

Reviewing a range of studies, Collins and Miller (1994) found there are three main effects of self-disclosure on liking:

• Those who disclose intimate secrets tend to be more liked than those who don’t.
• People disclose more to those they like (relatively obvious).
• People prefer those to whom they have made personal disclosures (not so obvious).

Being responsive

While increasing intimacy between people through self-disclosure is often seen as ‘a good thing’, there are many ways it can go wrong.

Process models of self-disclosure have looked at how disclosures are dynamically dealt with in relationships.

The way in which you react to the self-disclosure of others is of vital importance.

People want to be ‘understood’, not just ‘heard’.

This is demonstrated through behaviours like responsiveness, attentiveness and timing.

The way in which listening occurs has a huge impact on whether intimate information grows and blooms or falls on fallow ground.

Again, you can disclose too much too soon.

More importantly, self-disclosure is not just about blurting out your darkest secret, it’s about negotiating a complex relationship.

Laughter and self-disclosure

Laughter is also central to more self-disclosure, which leads to greater liking.

Laughter encourages people to open up and this is the secret to how to make friends (Gray et al., 2015).

People in the study were more likely to disclose something personal about themselves after laughing together, although they didn’t realise it.

The results showed that when the groups laughed together more, they also shared more intimate information with each other.

Alan Gray, who led the study, thinks the effect is about more than just feeling good.

Laughter releases the ‘happy hormones’ endorphins, which are what may encourage people to share intimate details of their lives.

One of the fascinating findings of the study was that people did not seem aware they had shared more with others.

Although objective observers rated the disclosures of people who’d been laughing as more intimate, people themselves did not.

Self-disclosure online

Recent research has focussed on the ways in which self-disclosure occurs in online relationships.

Two aspects of internet dating make it particularly interesting to study in relation to self-disclosure:

• Those communicating online have more control over the way they present themselves.
• When speaking face-to-face, a huge amount of information is transmitted through nonverbal communication. Much of this is involuntary, but this becomes largely irrelevant online.
• It easier to construct an identity online. Emails can be crafted and photographs retouched.

The study came to some rather complex conclusions but one clear finding emerged.

Those successful at online dating tended to use large amounts of positive self-disclosure, along with an openness about their intent.

So, generally it is better to be open about yourself and honest and clear about your intentions.

As a result of both of these, it is easier to carry out ‘impression management’ (lying).

These points are made in a study by Gibbs, Ellison and Heino (2006) in which the perceived success of members of an internet dating service was related to self-disclosure.

In other words, the best strategy is the polar opposite of many people’s actual practice in online dating.

The art of self-disclosure

The idea that self-disclosure is important in relationships is no big surprise.

But while it may be easy to understand in principle, the complexity of the process means it’s much harder to do in practice.

The art of self-disclosing, then, is giving information to others in the right way and at the right time.

Receiving intimate information is no less of a skill, involving the verbal and nonverbal communication of understanding.

Online dating offers the huge temptation to cheat at self-disclosure, but, to be successful, the art of self-disclosure is much the same in the online world as the offline.

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