This Popular Way To Improve Relationships Does NOT Work

The technique does not help you work out what they are feeling or if they are lying, despite the constant claims.

The technique does not help you work out what they are feeling or if they are lying, despite the constant claims.

Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes does NOT help you understand what they are thinking, a series of 25 experiments has shown.

It debunks one of the most commonly used ways to work out what other people are thinking.

In fact, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes only gives you the impression that you know them better.

Far better, to just ask them.

The study’s author’s explain:

“We incorrectly presume that taking someone else’s perspective will help us understand and improve interpersonal relationships.

If you want an accurate understanding of what someone is thinking or feeling, don’t make assumptions, just ask.”

Across 25 different experiments, people were asked to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and imagine all kinds of things about them, such as:

  • whether they were truly smiling,
  • whether they were lying,
  • and what they were really feeling.

The authors explain the results:

“Initially a large majority of participants believed that taking someone else’s perspective would help them achieve more accurate interpersonal insight.

However, test results showed that their predictive assumptions were not generally accurate, although it did make them feel more confident about their judgement and reduced egocentric biases.”

Dale Carnegie popularised this way of understanding other people in his bestseller ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.

The only benefit to imagining you are someone else is in reducing the ‘egocentric bias’.

This is the tendency people have to rely too much on their own opinions in order to satisfy their own egos.

Imagining you are someone else helps people take into account other perspectives and reduces reliance on egotistical opinions.

What it doesn’t do, though, is let you read other people’s minds.

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Eyal et al., 2018).

How To Increase Sexual Attraction

The simplest strategy to increase sexual attraction is also the best.

The simplest strategy to increase sexual attraction is also the best.

Making it clear that you like someone is more sexually attractive than hiding your feelings, research finds.

It means that strategies like playing hard to get or being mysterious may not work well.

Creating uncertainty in new relationships is sometimes claimed to increase sexual desire — but this study found the opposite.

Uncertainty is also bad in long-term relationships, further studies found.

Long-term couples had more sexual desire for their partner when they were more sure about the relationship.

Dr Gurit Birnbaum, who led the study, said:

“People may protect themselves from the possibility of a painful rejection by distancing themselves from potentially rejecting partners.”

How to be sexually attractive

For the research, a series of opposite-sex pairs who did not know each other interacted.

The results showed that people were more turned on when they had more signals that the other person liked them.

Dr Birnbaum said:

“People experience higher levels of sexual desire when they feel confident about a partner’s interest and acceptance.”

He continued, that sexual desire may…

“…serve as a gut-feeling indicator of mate suitability that motivates people to pursue romantic relationships with a reliable and valuable partner.”

On the other hand:

“…inhibiting desire may serve as a mechanism aimed at protecting the self from investing in a relationship in which the future is uncertain.”

In two more studies, the researchers looked at the effect of uncertainty in long-term relationships, instead of people who have just met.

Once again, uncertainty turned out to be a turn-off.

Professor Harry Reis, study co-author, said:

“Well, they don’t put the final dagger in the heart of this idea, but our findings do indicate that this idea is on life support.

[The uncertainty idea was] never supported by solid science — but folk wisdom at best.”

The study was published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior (Birnbaum et al., 2018).

Why Stress Kills Relationships — And What To Do About It (M)

Stress change the types of behaviours people notice in their partners.

Stress change the types of behaviours people notice in their partners.


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Do Long Distance Relationships Work? These 2 Factors Help

There are two factors that help keep long distance relationships alive.

There are two factors that help keep long distance relationships alive.

Contrary to the received wisdom, long distance relationships can work, according to research published in the Journal of Communication (Jiang & Hancock, 2013).

Two factors that help keep long distance relationships alive are that these couples:

  • Tell each other more intimate information.
  • Have a more idealised view of their partner.

The study, which contradicts much standard dating advice, was inspired by the increasing numbers of people conducting long distance relationships because of the demands of education, employment or emigration.

The researchers examined 67 couples: some who were in long distance relationships, and others who were in close physical proximity to each other.

They found that the long distance couples were highly trusting and even felt more intimate with their partners, despite their physical distance.

Crystal Jiang explained:

“…our culture emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values.

People don’t have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance.

The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back.”

It shows that, while it is not necessarily ideal to be separated from your partner for long periods of time, people do find ways to cope with the situation.

Other studies have also found that, although those in long distance relationships talk with each other less, what they do say is imbued with greater meaning.

This appears to balance out the lack of physical contact.

This means those in long distance relationships often have similar levels of relationship satisfaction and stability as those who are geographically close to each other.

None of this research, though, tells us anything about which types of people can cope with long distance relationships.

While some people may naturally have the skills required, others may not.

Still, it’s heartening to know that should a long distance relationship be unavoidable, many people are able to keep their intimacy levels high, which helps fuel the relationship, just as if they lived in the same house.

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The 2 Universal Traits Both Sexes Find Attractive In A Partner

Despite major social changes in the last fifty years,  some old-fashioned differences still exist between the sexes.

Despite major social changes in the last fifty years,  some old-fashioned differences still exist between the sexes.

Intelligence and friendliness are the two traits seen as most attractive by both men and women in a potential romantic partner, research finds.

Despite major social changes in the last fifty years,  some old-fashioned differences still exist between the sexes.

Men tend to care more about women’s appearance and go for younger women.

Women, meanwhile, have a tendency to focus more on security and financial prospects.

The conclusions come from a study of 14,399 heterosexual people from 45 different countries.

Broadly, these tendencies have not changed in the last forty years, the researchers find.

Women place more importance on men’s intelligence and good health, while men are more focused on appearance.

Women still prefer older partners, with the average age difference between men and women being around 2-3 years.

However, in cultures with more gender equality, partners tend to be closer in age.

The study has been criticised on social media, explains Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair, study co-author:

“One criticism of the findings that was quickly posted on social media was that there’s extreme overlap between the sexes in their partner preferences.

Some thought this should have been better communicated in the article.

But the criticism is unfair in this context, and not something that was undervalued.

The research identifies similarities, overlaps and differences.”

As with many psychology studies, the researchers are focused on average differences across many people.

Individuals, though, display incredible variety.

In other words, many men and women will have similar goals in dating while some women do focus more on appearance and some men focus more on money and security.

Professor Mons Bendixen, study co-author, said:

“The point of the article is to see if the gender differences observed in earlier cross-cultural studies were reproducible.

To a great extent, they are.”

Why men focus on looks…

One theory for why men focus on looks and women on security comes from evolutionary psychology.

Evolutionary psychology is a branch of psychology that attempts to explain mental traits as adaptations or products of natural selection.

According to the theory, women have more to lose from a relationship: they are left holding the baby.

Hence, their focus on security and age (older men tend to be richer).

Men, though, search for genetic fitness in their offspring.

They, or at least their genes, want to reproduce themselves in the fittest way possible.

Younger and more attractive women are more likely to produce healthy and genetically fit children.

Hence, men’s focus on looks.

It is highly debatable whether or not the explanation provided by evolutionary psychology is really true.

Certainly, its principles are not fashionable right now — not that fashion is any guide to truth.

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Walter et al., 2020).

Top 3 Signs People Are Falling Out Of Love: What Makes People Stay Or Leave

What makes people stay in relationships and what makes them want to leave?

What makes people stay in relationships and what makes them want to leave?

People who are married or just dating give similar reasons for wanting to leave their partner.

These are (1) issues with their partner’s personality, (2) a breach of trust (often, cheating) and (3) partner becoming distant or disconnected.

People give slightly different reasons for wanting to stay together.

For people who are married, the top reasons to stay together are the investment they have already made in the relationship, family responsibilities and the barriers to leaving (e.g. financial).

You can tell these are people who have been together for an average of 9 years — the responses are kind of negative.

Top of the reasons to stay for those dating included liking their partner’s personality, feeling close and the positive emotions from the relationship.

In other words, these are couples who have been together for an average of two years and haven’t had kids yet.

Professor Samantha Joel, who led the study, said:

“Most of the research on breakups has been predictive, trying to predict whether a couple stays together or not, but we don’t know much about the decision process — what are the specific relationship pros and cons that people are weighing out.”

Around half the people in the study had both reasons to stay and reasons to leave.

Professor Joel said:

“What was most interesting to me was how ambivalent people felt about their relationships.

They felt really torn.

Breaking up can be a really difficult decision.

You can look at a relationship from outside and say ‘you have some really unsolvable problems, you should break up’ but from the inside that is a really difficult thing to do and the longer you’ve been in a relationship, the harder it seems to be.”

Most people said they had relationship deal-breakers, but these are often forgotten when they meet someone.

Professor Joel said:

“Humans fall in love for a reason.

From an evolutionary perspective, for our ancestors finding a partner may have been more important than finding the right partner.

It might be easier to get into relationships than to get back out of them.”

The study was published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science (Joel et al., 2017).

7 Fascinating Psychology Studies On Relationships

Includes research on the secrets partners keep from each other, signs of healthy marriages and what children to relationships.

Includes research on the secrets partners keep from each other, signs of healthy marriages and what children to relationships.

Almost 90 percent of people keep small, mundane secrets from their partners, it turns out.

This is just one of the most fascinating insights from recent psychology studies on relationships covered here on PsyBlog.

The researchers conclude that these little secrets may even benefit relationships in certain ways.

Find out about this and other intriguing psychology studies on relationships from the members-only section of PsyBlog:

(If you are not already, find out how to become a PsyBlog member here.)

  1. 90% Of People Keep These Little Secrets From Their Partners
  2. The Positive Signs Of The Most Healthy Relationships
  3. The Relationship Pattern Linked To Depression And Anxiety
  4. Why Men Suffer More Physically From Divorce And Separation
  5. Brain Scans Can Predict Marital Satisfaction
  6. What Having Children Does To Your Relationship
  7. The 3 Healthiest Traits For Your Partner

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What Your TV Habits Say About Your Relationship

This attachment style can be damaging to relationships.

This attachment style can be damaging to relationships.

People who feel strong connections to fictional characters in TV shows are more likely to have relationship issues, research suggests.

Fictional TV shows and movies may provide a ‘safe space’ in which people with relationship problems can work them out.

By thinking about their favourite character, they can imagine what they might do in the same situation.

People high in anxious-avoidant attachment were especially likely to strongly identify with fictional characters.

Anxious-avoidant people desire intimacy, but display avoidant behaviour that tends to damage their relationship.

Classic examples of avoidant behaviours include not returning calls, not expressing love, mocking partner’s attempts at intimacy and ‘forgetting’ plans.

Mr Nathan Silver, the study’s first author, said:

“We can do a lot more with stories than just escape into them.

For people with attachment issues, movies and TV shows can be a way to try to understand their problems or to vicariously meet their needs for intimacy in a way that they may find difficult in real life.”

Escape to a virtual world

For the study, 1,039 Americans were asked about their relationship problems and TV habits.

Anxious-avoidant people were most strongly connected to characters in TV shows, the results showed.

They were more likely to:

  • become transported or absorbed in the story,
  • more likely to imagine different choices for the character,
  • and imagine knowing a fictional character personally.

Mr Silver explained the problem that faces anxious-avoidant people in their relationships:

“These are the classic self-sabotagers.

They really want supportive intimacy, but tend to screw it up because they also have these avoidance behaviors.

What the story world provides these people is a safe place to deal with this ambivalence.

That’s why I believe they are engaging more in the story world.”

Fiction provides a virtual world to try out possibilities, said Mr Silver:

“What our results suggest is that people with these issues can use the story world to think about how they would react if they had the chance.

They expand their social experiences, at least vicariously.”

Avoiding emotional experience

Unfortunately, the study doesn’t tell us whether using TV shows and movies in this way is beneficial or not to people with attachment issues.

However, other research has found that individuals with insecure attachment styles are more likely to use television as a way to avoid their own emotional experiences, which can be detrimental, depending on the circumstances (Greenwood, 2008).

Alternatively, some shows may provide a sense of vicarious emotional connection and validation for people with insecure attachment styles, who may struggle to form healthy, secure relationships in their own lives.

In other words, for some people, TV may function as a distraction from real relationship problems and/or as a method of filling a void.

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Silver & Slater, 2019).

Happy Couples Use This Defence Mechanism To Stay Faithful

This unconscious process is one of the secrets that helps happy couples stay faithful.

This unconscious process is one of the secrets that helps happy couples stay faithful.

People in relationships automatically see tempting others as less attractive, research finds.

The more satisfied people are with their relationship, the more they downgrade attractive others.

The unconscious process may help couples stay faithful to each other.

Dr Shana Cole, the study’s first author, said:

“Misperceiving attractive people who represent threats to the relationship as less attractive may help people resist the inclination to pursue them.

This is especially important since finding someone physically attractive is a primary reason why people choose to date or romantically pursue someone.”

A healthy defence mechanism

The research on 131 heterosexual couples showed them various pictures of the opposite sex manipulated to be more or less attractive.

Sometimes study participants were told they were single, other times that they were in a relationship.

When told the person in the profile was single, people in relationships downgraded their attractiveness.

They did this automatically as a defensive mechanism to protect their own relationship.

When told the person in the profile was in a relationship, though, the defensive mechanism did not operate.

In contrast, those not in relationships were unaffected by the relationship status of the profile.

Dr Emily Balcetis, one of the study’s co-authors, said:

“In today’s world, it can be difficult to stick it out with one long-term partner.

This work suggests that there are processes that may take place outside of conscious awareness to make it easier to stay committed to one’s own partner.”

Dr Cole said:

“There are still several questions that are left open.

Future research could see whether perceiving intriguing and available individuals as less attractive affects behavior toward the individual.

It’s possible that if we see tempting others as unattractive, we will flirt less with them or be more reluctant to give out our phone number.”

How to stay faithful

Here are some other strategies that may help couples stay faithful:

  1. Communicating openly and honestly with each other about feelings, needs, and boundaries.
  2. Building and maintaining trust through consistency and transparency.
  3. Prioritizing the relationship and making an effort to spend quality time together.
  4. Being committed to working through challenges and conflicts.
  5. Practicing healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress, rather than turning to infidelity as a solution.
  6. Being respectful of each other’s boundaries and independence.
  7. Fostering a sense of emotional and physical intimacy in the relationship.

→ Related articles:

The study was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Cole et al., 2016).

4 Simple Signs That You Will Stay With Your Partner

Look for these signs of a successful relationship.

Look for these signs of a successful relationship.

Being ‘ready for commitment’ is a clear sign of relationship success, research finds.

Being ready for commitment makes people do the work required to keep a relationship going.

Those who are ‘commitment ready’ are 25 percent less likely to break up over time.

Four common signs of commitment include:

  1. Your partner makes sacrifices for you, such as changing their schedule, doing thing you like but they don’t and really listening to your problems.
  2. Making long-term plans for the future that include you both.
  3. You both have similar perceptions about the relationship, as do your friends and family.
  4. Real commitments are things that you do. Commitment is usually obvious — watch their behaviour.

Professor Chris Agnew, the study’s first author, said:

“Feeling ready leads to better relational outcomes and well-being.

When a person feels more ready, this tends to amplify the effect of psychological commitment on relationship maintenance and stability.”

The conclusions come from a study of over 400 adults in relationships.

All were asked about their sense of whether this was the right time for a relationship, how satisfied they were with it and how much investment they had made.

The results showed that readiness was strongly linked to commitment.

In other words, people tended to commit to a relationship when they felt ready for it.

However, when they didn’t feel ready, they did not do the work required to keep the relationship alive.

Professor Agnew said:

“People’s life history, relationship history, and personal preferences all play a role.

One’s culture also transmits messages that may signal that one is more or less ready to commit.”

The study will be published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Agnew et al., 2019).