Category: Relationships

It is linked to higher relationship satisfaction, more positive relationship behaviours, better mental, physical health and even better health behaviours.

Using the pronouns “we” and “us” is linked to having a healthier and happier relationship, research finds.

Couples who use “we” and “us” are signalling their interdependence.

Talking like this means a couple are more likely to be closer in how they think, feel and act.

It also suggests they can rely on each other for support.

Interdependence is particularly important at times of stress and conflict.

The conclusion comes from an analysis of 30 studies including a total of over 5,000 people.

Mr Alexander Karan, the study’s first author, said:

“By examining all these studies together, they let us see the bigger picture.

We-talk is an indicator of interdependence and general positivity in romantic relationships.”

The results showed that ‘we-talk’ was linked to higher relationship satisfaction, more positive relationship behaviours, better mental, physical health and even better health behaviours.

Mr Karan said:

“The benefit of analyzing many different couples in a lot of different contexts is that it establishes we-talk isn’t just positively related in one context, but that it indicates positive functioning overall.”

The question, said Dr Megan Robbins, study co-author, is what comes first, the ‘we-talk’ or a good relationship:

“It is likely both.

Hearing yourself or a partner say these words could shift individuals’ ways of thinking to be more interdependent, which could lead to a healthier relationship.

It could also be the case that because the relationship is healthy and interdependent, the partners are being supportive and use we-talk.”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Karan et al., 2018).

It increases relationship satisfaction and marriage solidity.

One of the simplest ways to improve your relationship is to enjoy more hugs and cuddles, research finds.

Couples who experience higher levels of non-sexual touch are more satisfied with their relationships.

Men, in particular, felt more satisfied with their relationships when they were shown more routine affection.

For women, affection through touch was still important, but low levels were linked to relationship dissatisfaction.

Ms Samantha Wagner, the study’s first author, said:

“There’s something specific about touch satisfaction that interplays with relationship satisfaction but not dissatisfaction for wives.”

The study included 184 couples who were interviewed about their relationship and how much affection they routinely showed towards each other.

The results revealed that more affection was linked to better relationships.

On top of this, couple’s satisfaction with non-sexual touch was also linked to having a more solid marriage.

Ms Wagner said:

“Interestingly, there’s some evidence that holding your partner’s hand while you’re arguing de-escalates the argument and makes it more productive.”

However, Ms Wagner warned that not everyone appreciates being touched.

Touch can mean different things to different people and in the wrong context can constitute abuse.

People with autism, for example, can find touch overwhelming.

Still, most people find touch comforting, especially in times of stress, said Ms Wagner:

“Feel free to give some extra snugs on the couch.

There’s plenty of evidence that suggests touch as a way to decrease stress.”

The pandemic has meant that many people cannot be as close to their loved ones as they would wish.

Healthcare workers, for example, may be quarantining themselves from their families.

Ms Wagner said:

“I think we should all hold the loved ones we can a little closer and be thoughtful of the struggles that others might be having because they can’t do just that.

If anything is true for me, a hug has become even more precious than it was before.”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Wagner et al., 2020).

This personality type is more confident in dealing with the inevitable conflicts that marriage throws up.

Extraverts have happier marriages, research finds.

Extraverts tend to have fewer marital problems as newlyweds and are more satisfied with their marriages over time.

The reason may be that extraverts are more confident in dealing with the inevitable conflicts that marriage throws up.

In contrast, shy people tended to have the most problems in their marriage.

Shy people reported more issues with jealousy, money, household management and trust.

Shy people likely find it more difficult to enter relationships so they feel more anxiety about their partner.

The conclusions come from a study of 112 couples who were asked about their shyness and marital satisfaction.

Some of the couples were tracked over six months to see if shyness predicted changes in marital satisfaction.

While shyness was linked to worse relationships, shy people can adjust, the study’s authors write:

“There is hope even though shyness itself might be resistant to change.

People can be taught to have more efficacy in how to resolve the specific marital problems they face.

As a consequence, any marital difficulties prompted by personality can be prevented by explicit training on dealing with marital problems.”

A note on shyness

The study asked people about ‘shyness’, which is linked with introversion, but not the same.

The words shy and introverted are often used interchangeably.

Although there is certainly an overlap, shyness is fear and anxiety about social interactions whereas an introvert may be ambivalent towards them.

So, non-shy people are not necessarily extraverts — although they are likely to be.

The study was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Baker & McNulty, 2010).

People have a romantic type, study demonstrates.

People choose romantic partners who have similar characteristics to themselves, a study of over 1,000 people has found.

They go for similar personality, intelligence levels and levels of education.

So, the most compatible personality types are similar personalities.

When it comes to physical characteristics, people also seem to have a ‘type’.

For example, women who like attractive, dominant, masculine men tend to have ex-partners who fit the same profile.

The conclusions come from a study in which people were asked about their current and ex-partners.

The results showed that people choose partners who are similar to themselves in many different ways.

Dr Paul Eastwick, the study’s first author, said:

“Do people have a type?

Yes.

But sometimes it reflects your personal desirability and sometimes it reflects where you live.”

Dr Eastwick explained that some of the similarities between ex-partners were down to being brought up in the same area:

“A second study examined the ex-partners of several hundred young adults sampled from schools across the United States.

The exes of a particular person tended to be very similar on variables like education, religiosity, and intelligence, but this type of similarity was entirely due to the school that people attended.

Within their local school context, people were no more or less likely to select educated, intelligent, or religious partners.”

However, locality cannot totally explain why birds of a feather flock together — people are on the lookout for something similar, every time.

The study strongly refutes the received notion that opposites attract.

Far from it: opposites repel!

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Eastwick al., 2017).

People who are less stressed tend to have more friends.

People who have more friends have a higher tolerance for pain, research finds.

Friendships really do help to take the pain away, the study concludes.

Ms Katerina Johnson, the study’s first author, explained how endorphins help kill pain:

“Endorphins are part of our pain and pleasure circuitry — they’re our body’s natural painkillers and also give us feelings of pleasure.

Previous studies have suggested that endorphins promote social bonding in both humans and other animals.

One theory, known as ‘the brain opioid theory of social attachment’, is that social interactions trigger positive emotions when endorphin binds to opioid receptors in the brain.

This gives us that feel-good factor that we get from seeing our friends.

To test this theory, we relied on the fact that endorphin has a powerful pain-killing effect — stronger even than morphine.”

Along with a link between larger social networks and higher pain tolerance, two other interesting findings emerged.

People who were fitter had fewer friends; also those who reported higher stress tended to have smaller social networks.

Ms Johnson explained:

“It may simply be a question of time — individuals that spend more time exercising have less time to see their friends.

…[or] perhaps some people use exercise as an alternative means to get their ‘endorphin rush’ rather than socialising.

The finding relating to stress may indicate that larger social networks help people to manage stress better, or it may be that stress or its causes mean people have less time for social activity, shrinking their network.

Studies suggest that the quantity and quality of our social relationships affect our physical and mental health and may even be a factor determining how long we live.

Therefore, understanding why individuals have different social networks sizes and the possible neurobiological mechanisms involved is an important research topic.

As a species, we’ve evolved to thrive in a rich social environment but in this digital era, deficiencies in our social interactions may be one of the overlooked factors contributing to the declining health of our modern society.”

The study was published in the journal Scientific Reports (Johnson & Dunbar, 2016).

Arguing about this damaging subject predicts divorce, research finds.

Arguments about money are the top predictor of divorce, research finds.

While arguing about money, couples use the harshest language and the arguments are also more intense and last longer.

Money arguments also take longer than any other to recover from.

Naturally, then, the more arguments about money couples have, the lower their satisfaction with the relationship.

Dr Sonya Britt-Lutter, study co-author, said:

“Arguments about money is by far the top predictor of divorce.

It’s not children, in-laws or anything else.

It’s money — for both men and women.”

The conclusions come from a nationally representative survey of over 4,500 couples.

Dr Britt-Lutter explained the results:

“In the study, we controlled for income, debt and net worth.

Results revealed it didn’t matter how much you made or how much you were worth.

Arguments about money are the top predictor for divorce because it happens at all levels.”

The researchers found that arguments from the very start of the relationship about money were a particularly bad sign.

Dr Britt-Lutter said:

“You can measure people’s money arguments when they are very first married.

It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, but when they were first together and already arguing about money, there is a good chance they are going to have poor relationship satisfaction.”

People who are stressed about money tend to avoid the issue, which makes matters worse.

Dr Britt-Lutter said:

“…people who are stressed are very short-term focused.

They don’t plan for the future.

If you can reduce stress, you can increase planning.”

If the money is not being treated fairly in the household, then the relationship satisfaction is going to be lower.”

The study was published in the journal Family Relations (Dew et al., 2012).

The pattern can even lead to depression and anxiety.

Too much commitment to a relationship can be surprisingly toxic, research shows.

While relationship commitment is usually thought of as a good thing, excessive commitment can be damaging

The reason is that being too committed can lead to small things getting blown out of proportion — it can even lead to depression and anxiety.

It comes about when a person invests too much of their self-esteem in their relationship.

In other words, they believe their own self-worth is controlled by how well their relationship is going.

This is bad for the person and the relationship.

Psychologists term this high ‘relationship-contingent self-esteem’ (RCSE)

Professor Raymond Knee, the study’s first author, said:

“Individuals with high levels of RCSE are very committed to their relationships, but they also find themselves at risk to become devastated when something goes wrong — even a relatively minor event.

An overwhelming amount of the wrong kind of commitment can actually undermine a relationship.”

In the key study, 198 people recorded the ups and downs of their romantic relationships in a diary for two weeks.

Professor Knee explained the results:

“What we found with this particular study was that people with higher levels of RCSE felt worse about themselves during negative moments in their relationships.

It’s as if it doesn’t matter why the negative occurrence happens or who was at fault.

The partners with stronger RCSE still feel badly about themselves.”

People whose self-esteem is invested too much in the relationship react very emotionally to problems.

Professor Knee said:

“When something happens in a relationship, these individuals don’t separate themselves from it.

They immediately feel personally connected to any negative circumstance in a relationship and become anxious, more depressed and hostile.”

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Knee et al., 2008).