Researchers looked at couple’s height, weight, physical health, finances, drug use, intelligence, personality, happiness and much more.
These relationships can help us stave off loneliness.
These relationships can help us stave off loneliness.
People who value their friendships are healthier and happier, research finds.
As we get older, relationships with friends can become more important for health and happiness than relationships with family members.
With age, friends can play a stronger role in predicting how long we will live than our families.
It may be partly because we choose our friends and not our families (well, not most of them, anyway).
Friends who have stood the test of time are particularly valuable.
Dr William Chopik, the study’s author, said:
“Friendships become even more important as we age.
Keeping a few really good friends around can make a world of difference for our health and well-being.
So it’s smart to invest in the friendships that make you happiest.”
A first study surveyed 271,053 from almost 100 countries.
This found both friends and family were linked to people’s happiness and health.
However, the benefits of friendship became stronger with age.
Dr Chopik said:
“There are now a few studies starting to show just how important friendships can be for older adults.
Summaries of these studies show that friendships predict day-to-day happiness more and ultimately how long we’ll live, more so than spousal and family relationships.”
A second study of 7,481 older adults found friendships could be both a significant source of strain as well as happiness.
However, friends may help to fight against loneliness, Dr Chopik said:
“Friendships help us stave off loneliness but are often harder to maintain across the lifespan.
If a friendship has survived the test of time, you know it must be a good one – a person you turn to for help and advice often and a person you wanted in your life.”
The study was published in the journal Personal Relationships (Chopik, 2017).
The personality trait is linked to healthier and more stable relationships.
The personality trait is linked to healthier and more stable relationships.
Having a conscientious partner is best for one’s health, research finds.
A conscientious partner also tends to have more stable relationships.
That is quite apart from the benefit of living with someone who can hold down a job and who puts the bins out.
Professor Brent Roberts, the study’s first author, said:
“Highly conscientious people are more organized and responsible and tend to follow through with their obligations, to be more impulse controlled and to follow rules.”
Conscientious people are also more likely to exercise, less likely to smoke or take drugs or dangerous risks.
However, not much research has looked at how personality affects people’s relationships.
Professor Roberts said:
“There’s been kind of an individualistic bias in personality research.
But human beings are not islands.
We are an incredibly interdependent species.”
The study asked 2,000 couples over 50-years-old in the US about their health and personality.
The results showed that conscientious people had better health.
But this study is the first to show that partners of people who are conscientious also have better health.
The benefit was even there for people who were highly conscientious themselves.
Professor Roberts said:
“It appears that even if you are really highly conscientious, you can still benefit from a spouse’s conscientiousness.
It makes sense that regardless of what your attributes are, if you have people in your social network that have resources, such as conscientiousness, that can always help.”
Women also saw an added health benefit if their man was both conscientious and neurotic.
But the effect was only small, Professor Roberts said:
“The effect here is not much larger than the effect of aspirin on cardiovascular health, which is a well-known small effect.”
The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Roberts et al., 2009).
Hundreds of people were asked about the most positive and negative events in their lives.
Infidelity often has a highly corrosive effect on relationships.
Infidelity often has a highly corrosive effect on relationships.
Narcissism is one of the strongest predictors that someone will cheat in their relationship, research finds.
Narcissists are likely to be vain, egocentric and over-confident — they like to show off their bodies, talk about themselves and put other people down.
Two other personality factors that predict people’s infidelity are unstable emotions and psychopathy.
People who are unstable are unreliable, careless, badly organised and find it hard to resist temptation.
Psychopaths, meanwhile, are irresponsible, spontaneous and manipulative.
The authors write:
“One of the strongest predictors is Narcissism.
Women high on Narcissism predict that they will flirt with, kiss, and date other men, as well as have one night stands, brief affairs, and serious affairs with other men.”
The results come from a study of 107 married couples who reported on their relationships and any infidelity.
Naturally, people who were dissatisfied with their relationship were more likely to have affairs.
Similarly, couples who had many complaints about their partners were also more likely to have an affair.
Complaints that predicted adultery included alcohol abuse, eyeing up other people, jealousy, condescension and being too possessive.
After narcissism, the authors explain that…
“…two equally strong predictors of mild and serious infidelity are low Conscientiousness and high Psychoticism.
These variables are correlated, and share the common component of impulsivity and inability to delay gratification.
And like Narcissism, Conscientiousness and Psychoticism are stronger predictors of women’s anticipated infidelities than men’s anticipated infidelities.
These findings suggest that a personality style marked by impulsivity, low dependability, and low reliability in general carries over…”
Infidelity often has a highly corrosive effect on relationships, the authors write:
“Infidelity may be the most destructive source of conflict inflicted on a marriage.
Despite its destructive impact, infidelities are estimated conservatively to occur in about half of all marriages.”
The study was published in the Journal of Research in Personality (Buss & Shackleford, 1997).
What do people use dating apps for if not to date?
Four things that kill a relationship stone dead.
Four things that kill a relationship stone dead.
When someone has contempt for their partner, this is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
The conclusion comes from psychologist Professor John Gottman, who has been analysing relationships, both good and bad for over 40 years.
He’s followed couples across decades in many psychological studies to see what kinds of behaviours predict whether they would stay together in the long-term or were soon destined for the divorce courts.
Amongst the factors he identified, four have stood out, time and time again.
When Gottman sees a couple’s communication overrun with these, the chances are they will divorce in an average of around six years from their marriage.
Contempt can involve sarcasm, name-calling, mimicking and eye-rolling.
Whatever form it takes, contempt makes the other person feel worthless.
Contempt is also bad for your health, as Gottman found that couples who were contemptuous of each other suffered from more infectious diseases like colds and flu.
Alternatively: build respect by appreciating the positive, e.g. “Love your taste in music!” (NOT “The sound of your laughter makes me want to vomit.”)
Of course we all complain to each other—married couples more than most—but it’s a particular type of corrosive criticism that Gottman identified as being so destructive.
This is when one criticises the other’s core being, their personality.
For example: “You’re late because you don’t care about me“.
We all make mistakes, but notice that here it’s all about how those mistakes are interpreted.
At their worst, criticisms have the implication that the other person is bad or wrong at some deeper level.
Repeated criticisms that strike at the heart of the other person’s being signal the end of the relationship will be sooner rather than later.
Alternatively: voice the concern and make a request, e.g. “I’m bored, let’s have a game of cards.” (NOT: “You’re ignoring me you selfish @#$%!”)
A person is too defensive when they are always trying to make excuses for their failures or slip-ups.
People do this automatically from time-to-time, but when it becomes a persistent theme in a relationship, this can signal the end.
It’s an even worse signal when partners are also trying to score points off the other on top of being defensive.
After all, people who live together are supposed to be in partnership, supporting each other.
Life is difficult enough without being attacked from within as well as from without.
Alternatively: take your share of the blame and suggest a solution, e.g. “I guess I should have put it on my list, OK let’s do it now.” (NOT: No, I didn’t pay the gas bill because you forgot to remind me.”)
Stonewalling is when a person metaphorically raises the drawbridge and cuts off communication.
There are no nods of encouragement to their partner when they speak, no attempt to empathise and no effort to respond or connect.
It’s like talking to a brick wall.
Stonewalling can often be a result of a prolonged period of criticism, contempt and defensiveness.
It may feel like the only response to a worsening situation, but lack of communication will not solve the problems at the heart of the relationship.
Alternatively: speak, move, respond, blink, move a muscle, anything! (NOT: here’s my impression of a brick wall.)
.
Be aware of the two most harmful relationship patterns.
Be aware of the two most harmful relationship patterns.
People who expect their partners to read their minds are harming their relationships, research finds.
It occurs when there are problems in the relationship and one person disengages and does not communicate their problems to the other.
It often happens when that person is anxious about the relationship and feels neglected.
Anger and negative communication often result from expecting the other person to be a mind-reader.
Dr Keith Sanford, who led the study, explained:
“You’re worried about how much your partner loves you, and that’s associated with neglect.
You feel sad, hurt and vulnerable.”
Expecting the other person to be telepathic is one of the most toxic ways that people disengage psychologically from a relationship.
The other is type is withdrawing.
Dr Sanford said:
“It’s a defensive tactic that people use when they feel they are being attacked, and there’s a direct association between withdrawal and lower satisfaction overall with the relationship.”
Withdrawing when attacked by your partner complains or criticises is extremely common.
Dr Sanford said it is…
“…more characteristic of unhappiness.
Just about everyone does that from time to time, but you see more of that in distressed relationships.”
Partners who psychologically withdraw from the relationship are more likely to be disinterested or bored with the other person.
Dr Sanford said:
“There’s a desire to maintain autonomy, control and distance.”
While one person makes demands on the relationship (often, but not always the woman), the other person disengages, Dr Sanford said:
“Often, you have one person who withdraws and the other demands.
The more the one demands and complains, the more the other withdraws, and so on.
It’s an issue both of being aware of when these behaviors are occurring and of finding an alternative — a more constructive, polite approach to resolve conflict.
And at times, that’s easier said than done.”
The results come from surveys of thousands of people in relationships.
They answered questions about relationship conflicts, how they responded and the emotions that resulted.
The study was published in the journal Psychological Assessment (Nichols et al., 2014).
Saying “I love you” is a risk — if it is not reciprocated it could irreparably damage the relationship.
How to predict if a relationship will end in marriage.
How to predict if a relationship will end in marriage.
When looking back, couples destined to marry accurately remember the ups and downs of their relationship, research reveals.
Happy couples have no reason to try and hide any problems from themselves to make it feel like they are moving forwards.
On the other hand, people with poor relationships have distorted memories that bear little relation to the truth.
Misremembering the past may be a way of papering over the cracks in a failing relationship.
Professor Brian G. Ogolsky, the study’s first author, explained:
“People like to feel that they’re making progress as a couple.
If they’re not — if, in fact, the relationship is in trouble — they may have distorted recollections that help them feel like they’re moving forward because they need a psychological justification to stay in the relationship.”
The results come from a nine-month study involving 232 heterosexual couples who had dated for around two years.
All rated their chances of eventually getting married every month, for 8 months.
Three groups of couples emerged: those whose relationships were getting worse, those who were staying the same and those who were improving.
Professor Ogolsky said that those whose relationships were improving had remarkably accurate memories:
“Couples who had deepened their commitment remembered their relationship history almost perfectly.
The graphs for this group were really interesting because the plot of the end-of-study recollection could be placed right on top of the one we had graphed from the monthly check-ins.”
Those who had maintained their relationships without really moving forward, fooled themselves a little to get the feeling of progress, said Professor Ogolsky:
“They had given themselves some room to grow and remembered the recent past as better than they had reported it being.
If they saw maintenance as stagnation, that’s a way of addressing that cognitive gap.
It helps them feel that their relationship is developing in some way — that they’re making progress.”
Lastly, those whose relationships were on-off, or just off, were mostly in denial, Professor Ogolsky said:
“If we looked at their history as they reported it to us over the nine-month period, we could see that their chances of marriage were plummeting.
Yet their recollection was that things had been going okay.
Of course, they hadn’t seen the graph so they didn’t know their trajectory looks this dire, but it’s fair to say they were in denial about the state of their relationship.”
The study was published in the journal Personal Relationships (Ogolsky & Surra, 2014).
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