Managing Expectations Is Key To A Long Happy Marriage

The study involved 82 couples who were followed from the first few months of their marriage.

The study involved 82 couples who were followed from the first few months of their marriage.

The key to marital satisfaction for many people is having a more realistic view of marriage, research finds.

People who expect difficult times often do better in the long-term than those who expect nothing but wedded bliss.

The only exception is for people who have very good relationship skills — for them high expectations can translate into higher marital satisfaction.

Professor James McNulty, who co-authored the study, said:

“Over the long term, it is important for marriage partners to have accurate knowledge of their relationship’s strengths and weaknesses.

Satisfaction goes down when a spouse’s expectations don’t fit with reality.”

The findings come as a surprise to some, as therapists sometimes recommend that couples keep their expectations high.

Professor McNulty said:

“There’s been a lot of emphasis on the idea of positive illusions in marriage.

Sure, it may make you happy in the short-run to think your spouse is better than he or she actually is, but if the reality doesn’t match the image, eventually your satisfaction is going to decline.”

The study involved 82 couples who were followed from the first few months of marriage.

All had their marital problem-solving skills assessed, along with their expectations and how much they tended to blame their partner for anything that went wrong.

After the four years of the study, those that had the highest expectations, along with the worst problem-solving skills, were the least satisfied with their marriages.

However, those with good relationship skills were better off to maintain higher expectations.

Professor McNulty explained:

“Many people would think couples with good relationship skills but low expectations would be pleasantly surprised by the positive outcomes that would come about because of their good relationship skills.

But if they have low expectations, they may not put forth the effort to work on their relationship.

So their low expectations really prevent them from taking advantage of their skills and achieving their potential satisfaction.”

In other words, if you’ve got good relationship and problem-solving skills, aim high.

If not, best to have more modest expectations of marriage.

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (McNulty & Karney, 2004).

2 Signs That Your Relationship Will Last

Psychologists can predict which relationships will go the distance.

Psychologists can predict which relationships will go the distance.

Two signs a relationship will last are that both partners have similar needs and similar levels of satisfaction at the start of the relationship.

For example, the relationships of people who have similar needs for closeness tend to last longer.

Those who have similar needs for maintaining a separate life tend to stay together longer.

People who start off having dissimilar needs, though, face a higher risk of splitting up later on.

The same is true where one partner is less satisfied than the other at the start.

In contrast, people who are equally satisfied with their relationship at the start tend to stay together.

The conclusions come from a study that examined how relationship development affected whether people would stay together in the long-term.

Dr Christine Finn, the study’s first author, said:

“Predictions as to the longevity of a relationship are definitely possible.

Right at the outset of a relationship, one can find typical features – that is to say certain prediction variables – that provide information on whether or not the relationship will be long-lasting.”

The study included 1,965 couples whose relationships were tracked for seven years.

Sixteen percent of couples broke up during the study period.

The researchers applied two models of relationship development in their work.

The first is based on the idea that people’s relationship problems develop during the relationship rather than being unchangeable from the very start.

The second model is based on the idea that people start at different levels of relationship satisfaction.

Dr Finn explained:

“We have now discovered that there is actually a combination of the two models.

We too can confirm that there are differing levels to begin with.

In addition, happiness declines in both groups.

However, in those who later separate, this happens significantly faster, meaning that a person who starts off unhappy becomes increasingly unhappy.”

Despite this, no relationship is doomed to fail right from the start, said Dr Finn:

“It is not our intention to further reinforce the general trend for optimisation and only to have a relationship that is result-oriented, with the prospect of it being long-lasting.

Even if couples split up after a time, it can still be a valuable and important phase in their lives, which might have a positive influence on the next relationship.

Furthermore, couples can also consciously influence and work on their mutual interests and on cultivating closeness as well as independence.”

The study was published in the journal Developmental Psychology (Finn et al., 2020).

A 7-Minute Writing Exercise That Improves Relationships For Years

The best marital investment you can make takes just 21 minutes a year.

The best marital investment you can make takes just 21 minutes a year.

A short writing exercise helps couples feel more satisfied with their marriages, research finds.

For the exercise, couples are asked to write about their last disagreement from a neutral perspective.

They try to imagine that this neutral person wants the best for both people in the relationship.

Psychologists call this ‘reappraisal’ and it encourages people to think about a situation in a different way.

The study’s results showed that doing this brief exercise three times a year prevented couples from losing their love for each other.

Professor Eli Finkel, the study’s first author, said:

“I don’t want it to sound like magic, but you can get pretty impressive results with minimal intervention.”

The study included 120 couples who were tracked over two years.

For the first year, the psychologists did nothing but track marital satisfaction.

As expected, everyone’s satisfaction with their marriage dropped in the first year.

Then, in the second year, half of the couples were given the 7-minute writing exercise to do on three occasions.

The results from the second year showed that all the couples still fought just as much as before.

However, the couples who had done the writing intervention did not let these fights affect them as badly.

As a result, they sustained their marital satisfaction through the second year, while the other group experienced another drop.

Professor Finkel said:

“Not only did this effect emerge for marital satisfaction, it also emerged for other relationship processes — like passion and sexual desire — that are especially vulnerable to the ravages of time.

And this isn’t a dating sample.

These effects emerged whether people were married for one month, 50 years, or anywhere in between.”

Marital satisfaction is not just critical to mental well-being, but also to physical health.

Professor Finkel said:

“Marriage tends to be healthy for people, but the quality of the marriage is much more important than its mere existence.

Having a high-quality marriage is one of the strongest predictors of happiness and health.

From that perspective, participating in a seven-minute writing exercise three times a year has to be one of the best investments married people can make.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Finkel et al., 2013).

The Reason Married People Cheat And How They Feel About It (M)

Somewhere between 40 percent and 76 percent of people cheat on their partners over the course of their relationship.

Somewhere between 40 percent and 76 percent of people cheat on their partners over the course of their relationship.


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2 Easy Questions That Improve Relationships

Two questions that boost relationships satisfaction.

Two questions that boost relationships satisfaction.

“How will I feel in one year about this current conflict in my relationship?”

That is the first question that makes people feel better about their relationship conflicts.

After asking this question, people feel more positive about their relationship, research reveals.

Taking up a future perspective like this causes people to interpret their relationship in a more positive light.

When people think about their future together, they tend to be more forgiving about current conflicts.

Mr Alex Huynh, the study’s first author, said:

“When romantic partners argue over things like finances, jealousy, or other interpersonal issues, they tend to employ their current feelings as fuel for a heated argument.

By envisioning their relationship in the future, people can shift the focus away from their current feelings and mitigate conflicts.”

For the study, couples were asked to think back to a recent conflict.

Half took a future-orientation to it while the remainder described it in the present.

People who imagined themselves in the future felt more positive about their relationships, the results showed.

A future orientation encouraged people to be more forgiving to their partner and also blame them less.

Mr Huynh said:

“Our study demonstrates that adopting a future-oriented perspective in the context of a relationship conflict — reflecting on how one might feel a year from now — may be a valuable coping tool for one’s psychological happiness and relationship well-being.”

How are you feeling?

A second simple question that can improve relationships is asking “How are you feeling?”

This is because couples are often poor at knowing when their partner is sad, lonely or a little down.

Instead, couples tend to assume their partner feels the same way as they do.

Asking “How are you feeling?” and working on ’empathic accuracy’ could improve the relationship.

Sadness and loneliness were particularly difficult to read, researchers have found.

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Huynh et al., 2016).

5 Simple Signs Of A Cheating Partner

Up to half of people admit to cheating on their partner.

Up to half of people admit to cheating on their partner.

People who cheat at work are more likely to cheat on their partner as well.

Professional misconduct is linked to doubling the rate of marital infidelity, new research finds.

Another common sign of a cheating partner is having been unfaithful in past relationships.

Certain personality types are also more likely to cheat.

Men who are impulsive risk-takers are more likely to cheat on their partner.

Among women, being unhappy with their current relationship is linked with cheating.

On average, across men and women, extraverts are more likely to cheat on their partner, research finds.

It is probably because extraverted people have a wider social circle and so more opportunities to cheat.

Also, extraverts are impulsive, sensation-seekers who can easily succumb to their desires.

People who are low on conscientiousness are also more likely to cheat on their partner.

The latest conclusions about infidelity and professional misconduct come from an analysis of people using the Ashley Madison website.

Ashley Madison is a site for married people to have affairs: its slogan is “Life is short. Have an affair”.

In 2015 their site was hacked and details of 36 million users worldwide were released.

The study used this, along with professional misconduct data on 11,235 people with a variety of occupations, including CEOs, financial advisors and police officers.

Using these datasets, the researchers were able to show that people guilty of professional misconduct were twice as likely to use the Ashley Madison website to have an affair.

Dr Samuel Kruger, study co-author, said:

“This is the first study that’s been able to look at whether there is a correlation between personal infidelity and professional conduct.

We find a strong correlation, which tells us that infidelity is informative about expected professional conduct.”

The study was published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (Griffin et al., 2019).

The Worst Attachment Style For A Relationship

Using this word is a sign of one of the worst attachment styles for a relationship.

Using this word is a sign of one of the worst attachment styles for a relationship.

A person who is avoidantly attached to their partner dislikes using the word ‘we’ when discussing the relationship, research finds.

Instead, avoidantly attached individuals use the word ‘I’ more often.

Attachment styles analyse how people respond to threats and problems in their personal relationships.

Around one-quarter of people form avoidant attachments with others.

Avoidant attachments are where one person (or both) in a relationship won’t commit because they want to avoid getting too attached to the other.

Avoidantly attached people dislike a partner who is too “clingy”.

Dr Will Dunlop, the study’s first author, said:

“The pronouns individuals use when narrating their previous experiences from within their romantic lives provide a clue as to their corresponding attachment styles.”

The study included data from 1,400 observations spread across seven different studies.

The results showed that people who avoided using the pronoun ‘we’ were more likely to be avoidantly attached.

Dr Dunlop said:

“Anxious and avoidant attachment styles capture individual differences in the ways people think, feel, and behave in romantic relationships.

Given that those with higher levels of avoidant attachment were found to demonstrate lower levels of we-talk when describing experiences from their romantic lives, considering the use of we words (e.g., us, ours) in the disclosure of previous romantic experiences may offer indication of one’s avoidant tendencies.

This is a relatively novel and indirect way of gauging avoidant attachment, as individuals are typically unaware of the pronouns they use.”

An avoidant attachment style can spring from having caregivers who were over-intrusive, i.e. who are always managing the child’s life and trying to do everything for them.

Avoidance is also the result of unresponsive parenting, which is the opposite of over-intrusive parenting.

Unresponsive parents show little warmth, are emotionally distance, may intentionally avoid their children and have few expectations of their child’s behaviour.

Both types of parenting — too much and too little — are linked to an avoidant attachment style as an adult.

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Dunlop et al., 2019).

The Simple Linguistic Sign Of A Healthy Relationship

It is linked to higher relationship satisfaction, more positive relationship behaviours, better mental, physical health and even better health behaviours.

It is linked to higher relationship satisfaction, more positive relationship behaviours, better mental, physical health and even better health behaviours.

Using the pronouns “we” and “us” is linked to having a healthier and happier relationship, research finds.

Couples who use “we” and “us” are signalling their interdependence.

Talking like this means a couple are more likely to be closer in how they think, feel and act.

It also suggests they can rely on each other for support.

Interdependence is particularly important at times of stress and conflict.

The conclusion comes from an analysis of 30 studies including a total of over 5,000 people.

Mr Alexander Karan, the study’s first author, said:

“By examining all these studies together, they let us see the bigger picture.

We-talk is an indicator of interdependence and general positivity in romantic relationships.”

The results showed that ‘we-talk’ was linked to higher relationship satisfaction, more positive relationship behaviours, better mental, physical health and even better health behaviours.

Mr Karan said:

“The benefit of analyzing many different couples in a lot of different contexts is that it establishes we-talk isn’t just positively related in one context, but that it indicates positive functioning overall.”

The question, said Dr Megan Robbins, study co-author, is what comes first, the ‘we-talk’ or a good relationship:

“It is likely both.

Hearing yourself or a partner say these words could shift individuals’ ways of thinking to be more interdependent, which could lead to a healthier relationship.

It could also be the case that because the relationship is healthy and interdependent, the partners are being supportive and use we-talk.”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Karan et al., 2018).

The Simplest Way To Improve Your Relationship

It increases relationship satisfaction and marriage solidity.

It increases relationship satisfaction and marriage solidity.

One of the simplest ways to improve your relationship is to enjoy more hugs and cuddles, research finds.

Couples who experience higher levels of non-sexual touch are more satisfied with their relationships.

Men, in particular, felt more satisfied with their relationships when they were shown more routine affection.

For women, affection through touch was still important, but low levels were linked to relationship dissatisfaction.

Ms Samantha Wagner, the study’s first author, said:

“There’s something specific about touch satisfaction that interplays with relationship satisfaction but not dissatisfaction for wives.”

The study included 184 couples who were interviewed about their relationship and how much affection they routinely showed towards each other.

The results revealed that more affection was linked to better relationships.

On top of this, couple’s satisfaction with non-sexual touch was also linked to having a more solid marriage.

Ms Wagner said:

“Interestingly, there’s some evidence that holding your partner’s hand while you’re arguing de-escalates the argument and makes it more productive.”

However, Ms Wagner warned that not everyone appreciates being touched.

Touch can mean different things to different people and in the wrong context can constitute abuse.

People with autism, for example, can find touch overwhelming.

Still, most people find touch comforting, especially in times of stress, said Ms Wagner:

“Feel free to give some extra snugs on the couch.

There’s plenty of evidence that suggests touch as a way to decrease stress.”

The pandemic has meant that many people cannot be as close to their loved ones as they would wish.

Healthcare workers, for example, may be quarantining themselves from their families.

Ms Wagner said:

“I think we should all hold the loved ones we can a little closer and be thoughtful of the struggles that others might be having because they can’t do just that.

If anything is true for me, a hug has become even more precious than it was before.”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Wagner et al., 2020).