Category: Relationships

Happy couples unconsciously share this linguistic habit. Are you doing it?

Couples are more likely to match their language when their relationship is going well, research finds.

Using the same patterns of words or turns of phrase suggests a couple are in sync.

The reason is something psychologists call ‘language style matching’.

Professor James Pennebaker, who led the study, explained:

“When two people start a conversation, they usually begin talking alike within a matter of seconds.

This also happens when people read a book or watch a movie.

As soon as the credits roll, they find themselves talking like the author or the central characters.”

The study’s authors tracked the changes in the language of poets and writers over the years and how it reflected their relationship.

For example, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung wrote to each other weekly for around 7 years.

Their relationship was tempestuous and this is reflected at the very basic level of language use, well below the meaning of words.

The study tracked the use of common words, including pronouns, prepositions and articles like “I”, “into”, and “the”.

Because the words are so common, it is easier to track changes in style.

When their relationship was solid, their use of these words was more similar.

Towards the end, when Freud and Jung had fallen out, their styles no longer matched.

Dr Molly Ireland, the study’s first author, said:

“Because style matching is automatic, it serves as an unobtrusive window into people’s close relationships with others.”

The researchers saw the same pattern emerge in the poetry of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath, whose relationship was rocky, to say the least.

The language both used in their poems changed over the years to reflect the state of their relationship, the researchers found.

Victorian poets Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning showed the same changes in their poetry as their relationship changed over time.

Dr Ireland said:

“Style words in the spouses’ poems were more similar during happier periods of their relationships and less synchronized toward each relationship’s end.”

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Ireland et al., 2010).

Couples doing this were less likely to argue and were more committed to each other.

Small acts of kindness are one of the simplest ways to improve a relationship, psychological research finds.

Making a cup of coffee, being respectful, showing affection and being forgiving are easy ways to demonstrate generosity.

Partners who are generous to each other are less likely to argue, to divide housework fairly and to be more committed to each other.

Generous people are seen as more desirable partners.

Being generous also benefits the person being generous: it makes them feel more satisfied with the relationship.

The study analysed data from a US survey of almost 3,000 married couples aged 18 to 45.

They were asked about their marital conflict, the potential for divorce and the generosity of their partner.

The study’s authors explain the results:

“…spouses’ reports of generosity toward the participants were associated with participants’ reports of marital quality.

Specifically, spouses’ generosity was positively associated with participants’ reports of marital satisfaction and negatively associated with participants’ reports of conflict and subjective
divorce likelihood.”

Being generous benefited both partners, the study showed:

“We also found that participants’ reports of behaving in a generous fashion toward their spouse were linked to their own reports of marital quality.

The extension of generosity toward the spouse was positively related to their own reports of marital satisfaction and negatively associated with their own reports of conflict and subjective divorce likelihood.”

In fact, wives seem to get a particular benefit from being generous to their husbands, the study revealed:

“…wives reported lower levels of marital satisfaction when they also reported low levels of generosity toward their spouse.

These findings were robust to the inclusion of spousal
reports of generosity in the same model, and
they were present in all four types of analyses.”

The study was published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Dew & Wilcox, 2013).

Certain types of anxiety can cause massive ups and downs in relationships.

“For people anxious in their attachments, they have anxiety as to whether the person is going to be there for them and whether they are worthy of others.I was interested in how attachment security impacted partners’ experiences in their relationship on a daily basis.Some couples experience instability from one day to the next in their relationship, so we sought out to explore what could increase or decrease this volatility.”

“For the average person, stay attuned to what your partner is saying and avoid making assumptions that can escalate conflict.Trusting in your partner and your relationship is important to daily interactions and stability for your relationship.”

Learning these two skills will help your relationship last.

Forgiveness is one vital skill for improving relationships, research concludes.

The other is enhancing relationships through positive thinking and behaviour, both together or individually.

This includes talking about the relationship in a positive way and doing fun activities together.

Learning these skills — forgiveness and enhancing the relationship — will help the partnership last.

Managing conflict is often done when the relationship is under threat, explained Dr Brian Ogolsky, the study’s first author:

“Threats to the relationship come from all kinds of different places.

Generally, there are many threats early in relationships that can cause problems, but that is not to say that these disappear later.

We know couples cheat in the long-term, people end up in new workplaces and in new situations where possible alternative partners show up, conflicts arise, or a lack of willingness to sacrifice time for your partner emerges.”

The key is forgiveness, said Dr Ogolsky:

“Good conflict management or forgiving our partner for doing something wrong is an interactive process.

When a threat comes in, we can do one of two things: we can ditch our partner or forgive them over time.”

Alongside conflict management, both partners need to be working on improving the relationship.

Dr Ogolsky said:

“Individually, even the act of thinking about our relationship can be enhancing.

Whereas engaging in leisure activities together, talking about the state of our relationship, these are all interactive.”

Well functioning relationships are a state of mind:

“We are doing something to convince ourselves that this is a good relationship and therefore it’s good for our relationship.

Things like positive illusions, the idea that we can believe our relationship is better than it is or that our partner is better than he or she is.

We can do that without our partner.”

The conclusions come from a review of around 250 separate studies on relationship maintenance .

The study was published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review (Ogolsky et al., 2017).

Be aware of the two most harmful relationship patterns.

People who expect their partners to read their minds are harming their relationships, research finds.

It occurs when there are problems in the relationship and one person disengages and does not communicate their problems to the other.

It often happens when that person is anxious about the relationship and feels neglected.

Anger and negative communication often result from expecting the other person to be a mind-reader.

Dr Keith Sanford, who led the study, explained:

“You’re worried about how much your partner loves you, and that’s associated with neglect.

You feel sad, hurt and vulnerable.”

Toxic disengagement

Expecting the other person to be telepathic is one of the most toxic ways that people disengage psychologically from a relationship.

The other is type is withdrawing.

Dr Sanford said:

“It’s a defensive tactic that people use when they feel they are being attacked, and there’s a direct association between withdrawal and lower satisfaction overall with the relationship.”

Withdrawing when attacked by your partner complains or criticises is extremely common.

Dr Sanford said it is…

“…more characteristic of unhappiness.

Just about everyone does that from time to time, but you see more of that in distressed relationships.”

Partners who psychologically withdraw from the relationship are more likely to be disinterested or bored with the other person.

Dr Sanford said:

“There’s a desire to maintain autonomy, control and distance.”

While one person makes demands on the relationship (often, but not always the woman), the other person disengages, Dr Sanford said:

“Often, you have one person who withdraws and the other demands.

The more the one demands and complains, the more the other withdraws, and so on.

It’s an issue both of being aware of when these behaviors are occurring and of finding an alternative — a more constructive, polite approach to resolve conflict.

And at times, that’s easier said than done.”

The results come from surveys of thousands of people in relationships.

They answered questions about relationship conflicts, how they responded and the emotions that resulted.

The study was published in the journal Psychological Assessment (Nichols et al., 2014).