Category: Relationships

How much do you appreciate your partner?

Simply being appreciative of your partner’s good points, however modest, improves the relationship, research finds.

People who recognised their partner’s efforts to be more patient and loving had a happier and more secure relationship, psychologists have discovered.

On the other hand, those who believed their partner could not change had worse relationships, even if their partner was making a real effort to do better.

The trick is to convince yourself that change is possible and to appreciate any steps in the right direction, however small.

Dr Daniel C. Molden, a study co-author, said:

“A secret to building a happy relationship is to embrace the idea that your partner can change, to give him or her credit for making these types of efforts and to resist blaming him or her for not trying hard enough all of the time.”

The conclusions come from a study in which couples rated how much their partner was trying to improve the relationship.

Did they, for example, make an effort to be a better listener or try and show more understanding?

After three months they rated their relationships again.

The results showed that people who appreciated their partner’s efforts to change were happier with their relationship.

Even sincere efforts to improve the relationship are wasted, the study found, if they are not appreciated.

Dr Molden said:

“If you don’t believe that your partner is capable of changing his or her fundamental characteristics, even when he or she is working hard to try to improve your relationship, you can actually end up discounting these efforts.”

It is common for people in relationships to be sceptical about their partner’s efforts, however hard they are trying.

Don’t let that happen to you.

Dr Chin Ming Hui, the study’s first author, said:

“Many of us tend to under appreciate our partner’s efforts to improve the relationship, simply because we do not have enough faith in those attempts.

When we see those efforts in a positive light, we can enjoy our relationship much more.”

The study was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Hui et al., 2011).

One of the challenges of a breakup is separating psychologically from an ex-partner.

Thinking about a romantic breakup is a surprising key to overcoming it, psychologists have found.

After mentally going over the breakup several times, people in the study felt less lonely and more secure in their own self-concept.

One of the challenges of a breakup is separating psychologically from an ex-partner.

Thinking about the breakup and creating a narrative of recovery helps to build a stronger self-concept, researchers have found.

For the study, 210 people who had recently experienced a relationship breakup were split into two groups.

One group just completed two questionnaires, while the second group had a more intensive battery of tests on four separate occasions.

Each time they were forced to reflect on their relationship and the breakup in different ways.

Dr Grace Larson, the study’s first author, said:

“At first glance, it might seem like repeatedly reminding participants that they had just broken up — and asking them to describe the breakup over and over — might delay recovery.”

The questions helped people themselves as single.

The idea is to encourage people to psychologically untangle themselves from their ex-partner.

The results showed that seeing oneself as separate helps emotional recovery.

Dr Larson said:

“The process of becoming psychologically intertwined with the partner is painful to have to undo.

Our study provides additional evidence that self-concept repair actually causes improvements in well-being.”

While the researchers are not sure exactly why reflecting on the relationship aids recovery, Dr Larson thinks:

“…it might be simply the effect of repeatedly reflecting on one’s experience and crafting a narrative — especially a narrative that includes the part of the story where one recovers.”

Although most people do not have access to a psychological study to help them get over a breakup, they can still mimic the process.

Dr Larson said:

“For instance, a person could complete weekly check-ins related to his or her emotions and reactions to the breakup and record them in a journal.”

Dr Larson advises that an independent self-concept is vital to recovery:

“The recovery of a clear and independent self-concept seems to be a big force driving the positive effects of this study, so I would encourage a person who recently experienced a breakup to consider who he or she is, apart from the relationship.

If that person can reflect on the aspects of him- or herself that he or she may have neglected during the relationship but can now nurture once again, this might be particularly helpful.”

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Larson & Sbarra, 2015).

1,523 pairs of friends and lovers were asked about their personalities, prejudices, values and attitudes.

People look for similarity in both their friendships and romantic relationships, research finds.

In a partner, people want someone with a similar personality, similar attitudes and values.

Similarity equals compatibility because couples do not change that much over the years.

That is why opposites generally do not attract — it is a fantasy that you will be able to make major changes to another person.

So, when two people meet for the first time, they are trying to work out what they have in common.

Any differences are only likely to be magnified over the years.

Dr Angela Bahns, the study’s first author, said:

“Picture two strangers striking up a conversation on a plane, or a couple on a blind date.

From the very first moments of awkward banter, how similar the two people are is immediately and powerfully playing a role in future interactions.

Will they connect? Or walk away?

Those early recognitions of similarity are really consequential in that decision.”

The conclusions come from a study in which 1,523 pairs of friends, lovers and mere acquaintances were asked about their personalities, prejudices, values and attitudes.

The results showed that people’s qualities did not converge over the years.

Instead, people choose to be friends and lovers with those who were already more similar to them at the outset.

Dr Bahns said:

“Anything that disrupts the harmony of the relationship–such as areas of disagreement, especially on attitudes, values, or preferences that are important–is likely to persist.

Change is difficult and unlikely; it’s easier to select people who are compatible with your needs and goals from the beginning.”

One should also pursue relationships with dissimilar people, though, said Professor Chris Crandall, study co-author:

“Getting along with people who aren’t like you is really useful.

Friends are for comfort, taking it easy, relaxing, not being challenged — and those are good things.

But you can’t have only that need.

You also need new ideas, people to correct you when you’re loony.

If you hang out only with people who are loony like you, you can be out of touch with the big, beautiful diverse world.”

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Bahns et al., 2016).

It reduces the chance of conflict and makes both partners feel good.

Being responsive is the key to improving relationships, research finds.

Responsiveness means more than just listening, it is being tuned in to your partner’s needs and feeling compassion.

The most powerful way of being responsive is firstly, listening to and understanding what they are going through and secondly, responding with sympathy and compassion.

Responsiveness creates a sense of validation and feeling cared for.

Responsive partners make each other feel safe and stable.

For the study, 91 couples discussed stressful aspects of their relationship and how their partner responded.

The results showed that understanding your partner was not enough, they also needed to be concerned.

Dr Lauren Winczewski, the study’s first author, said:

“When people were empathically accurate — when they had an accurate understanding of their partner’s thoughts and feelings — they were more responsive only when they also felt more empathic concern, more compassion and motivation to attend to their partner’s needs.

People might assume that accurate understanding is all it takes to be responsive, but understanding a partner’s thoughts and feelings was helpful only when listeners were also feeling more compassionate and sympathetic toward their partner.

When listeners had accurate knowledge but did not feel compassionate, they tended to be less supportive and responsive.”

Being responsive has been repeatedly shown to reduce stress, improve the emotions and boost self-esteem.

Dr Winczewski continued:

“You can know very well what your partner is thinking and feeling — maybe you’ve heard this story 17 times, the fight with the boss and so on — but if you don’t care?

Having accurate knowledge in the absence of compassionate feelings may even undermine responsiveness.”

Over time, people build up a picture of their partner’s responsiveness from many small interactions.

Dr Winczewski said:

“People use these kinds of interactions as diagnostic of their partner’s motivation and ability to respond to their needs.

‘If that’s how you’re responding to me now, is that how you’ll respond to me again in the future?’

Over time, you may build trust in your partner’s responsiveness or you may start to wonder if your partner is even willing, let alone able, to respond to your needs.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Winczewskiet al., 2016).

The survey asked people about their relationships and any suicidal thoughts.

Unresolved conflicts in a relationship are linked to more suicidal thoughts, research finds.

People who are unhappy with their relationship and have unresolved issues with their partner’s personality, communication, failure to do housework or bad habits, experience more suicidal thoughts.

In fact, it is better for mental health to be single than in an unsatisfactory relationship with unresolved issues.

In general, though, being in a good relationship is positive for mental health.

Dr Benedikt Till, co-author of the research, explains:

“Data so far clearly show that a person’s suicide risk is lower if he/she is in a relationship.

However, the recent study suggests that the level of satisfaction with the relationship is also important.”

The survey asked 382 people in Austria about their relationships and any suicidal thoughts they were experiencing.

Unresolved conflicts were a warning sign in people who were unhappy with their relationships.

The study also found that the young and middle-aged were less likely to have suicidal thoughts.

The study’s authors write:

“Risk factors for suicide were higher among singles than among individuals in happy relationships, but lower among those with low relationship satisfaction.

Participants reporting a high number of unsolved conflicts in their relationship had higher levels of suicidal ideation, hopelessness, and depression than individuals who tend to solve issues with their partner amicably or report no conflicts.”

The study was published in the journal Crisis: The Journal of Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention (Till et al., 2017).

Around 16% of people in the US experience depression at some point in their lives.

People with the lowest quality relationships are at double the risk of depression, research finds.

Two problem relationship patterns are having an unsupportive partner and having a partner under social strain.

Social strain includes things like working hard to achieve a certain lifestyle (house, car, holiday etc.).

Those have had unsupportive and strained spouses are at higher risk of depression than those who were single.

In fact, the quality of all relationships — including family and friends — influences depression risk.

Dr Alan Teo, the study’s first author, said:

“Our study shows that the quality of social relationships is a significant risk factor for major depression.

This is the first time that a study has identified this link in the general population.”

The conclusions come from 4,643 people who were followed over 10 years.

All were asked about the quality of their relationships, the strain on them and the support they received, plus any depression symptoms.

The results showed that experiencing a lack of support and having a partner under social strain were both linked to depression.

One in seven people with the worst relationships went on to develop depression.

Among those with the best relationships, only one in 15 developed depression.

Dr Teo said:

“These results tell us that health care providers need to remember that patients’ relationships with their loved ones likely play a central role in their medical care.

They also suggest that the broader use of couples therapy might be considered, both as a treatment for depression and as a preventative measure.

Asking a patient how she rates her relationship with her husband, rather than simply asking whether she has one, should be a priority”

Isolation, however, was not linked to depression — it is all about the quality of the relationships.

Dr Teo said:

“The magnitude of these results is similar to the well-established relationship between biological risk factors and cardiovascular disease.

What that means is that if we can teach people how to improve the quality of their relationships, we may be able to prevent or reduce the devastating effects of clinical depression.”

The study was published in the journal PLOS ONE (Teo et al., 2013).

Couples doing this were less likely to argue and were more committed to each other.

Small acts of kindness are one of the simplest ways to improve a relationship, psychological research finds.

Making a cup of coffee, being respectful, showing affection and being forgiving are easy ways to demonstrate generosity.

Partners who are generous to each other are less likely to argue, to divide housework fairly and to be more committed to each other.

Generous people are seen as more desirable partners.

Being generous also benefits the person being generous: it makes them feel more satisfied with the relationship.

The study analysed data from a US survey of almost 3,000 married couples aged 18 to 45.

They were asked about their marital conflict, the potential for divorce and the generosity of their partner.

The study’s authors explain the results:

“…spouses’ reports of generosity toward the participants were associated with participants’ reports of marital quality.

Specifically, spouses’ generosity was positively associated with participants’ reports of marital satisfaction and negatively associated with participants’ reports of conflict and subjective
divorce likelihood.”

Being generous benefited both partners, the study showed:

“We also found that participants’ reports of behaving in a generous fashion toward their spouse were linked to their own reports of marital quality.

The extension of generosity toward the spouse was positively related to their own reports of marital satisfaction and negatively associated with their own reports of conflict and subjective divorce likelihood.”

In fact, wives seem to get a particular benefit from being generous to their husbands, the study revealed:

“…wives reported lower levels of marital satisfaction when they also reported low levels of generosity toward their spouse.

These findings were robust to the inclusion of spousal
reports of generosity in the same model, and
they were present in all four types of analyses.”

The study was published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Dew & Wilcox, 2013).