Category: Relationships

Psychologists can predict which relationships will go the distance.

Two signs a relationship will last are that both partners have similar needs and similar levels of satisfaction at the start of the relationship.

For example, the relationships of people who have similar needs for closeness tend to last longer.

Those who have similar needs for maintaining a separate life tend to stay together longer.

People who start off having dissimilar needs, though, face a higher risk of splitting up later on.

The same is true where one partner is less satisfied than the other at the start.

In contrast, people who are equally satisfied with their relationship at the start tend to stay together.

The conclusions come from a study that examined how relationship development affected whether people would stay together in the long-term.

Dr Christine Finn, the study’s first author, said:

“Predictions as to the longevity of a relationship are definitely possible.

Right at the outset of a relationship, one can find typical features – that is to say certain prediction variables – that provide information on whether or not the relationship will be long-lasting.”

The study included 1,965 couples whose relationships were tracked for seven years.

Sixteen percent of couples broke up during the study period.

The researchers applied two models of relationship development in their work.

The first is based on the idea that people’s relationship problems develop during the relationship rather than being unchangeable from the very start.

The second model is based on the idea that people start at different levels of relationship satisfaction.

Dr Finn explained:

“We have now discovered that there is actually a combination of the two models.

We too can confirm that there are differing levels to begin with.

In addition, happiness declines in both groups.

However, in those who later separate, this happens significantly faster, meaning that a person who starts off unhappy becomes increasingly unhappy.”

Despite this, no relationship is doomed to fail right from the start, said Dr Finn:

“It is not our intention to further reinforce the general trend for optimisation and only to have a relationship that is result-oriented, with the prospect of it being long-lasting.

Even if couples split up after a time, it can still be a valuable and important phase in their lives, which might have a positive influence on the next relationship.

Furthermore, couples can also consciously influence and work on their mutual interests and on cultivating closeness as well as independence.”

The study was published in the journal Developmental Psychology (Finn et al., 2020).

The best marital investment you can make takes just 21 minutes a year.

A short writing exercise helps couples feel more satisfied with their marriages, research finds.

For the exercise, couples are asked to write about their last disagreement from a neutral perspective.

They try to imagine that this neutral person wants the best for both people in the relationship.

Psychologists call this ‘reappraisal’ and it encourages people to think about a situation in a different way.

The study’s results showed that doing this brief exercise three times a year prevented couples from losing their love for each other.

Professor Eli Finkel, the study’s first author, said:

“I don’t want it to sound like magic, but you can get pretty impressive results with minimal intervention.”

The study included 120 couples who were tracked over two years.

For the first year, the psychologists did nothing but track marital satisfaction.

As expected, everyone’s satisfaction with their marriage dropped in the first year.

Then, in the second year, half of the couples were given the 7-minute writing exercise to do on three occasions.

The results from the second year showed that all the couples still fought just as much as before.

However, the couples who had done the writing intervention did not let these fights affect them as badly.

As a result, they sustained their marital satisfaction through the second year, while the other group experienced another drop.

Professor Finkel said:

“Not only did this effect emerge for marital satisfaction, it also emerged for other relationship processes — like passion and sexual desire — that are especially vulnerable to the ravages of time.

And this isn’t a dating sample.

These effects emerged whether people were married for one month, 50 years, or anywhere in between.”

Marital satisfaction is not just critical to mental well-being, but also to physical health.

Professor Finkel said:

“Marriage tends to be healthy for people, but the quality of the marriage is much more important than its mere existence.

Having a high-quality marriage is one of the strongest predictors of happiness and health.

From that perspective, participating in a seven-minute writing exercise three times a year has to be one of the best investments married people can make.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Finkel et al., 2013).

Two questions that boost relationships satisfaction.

“How will I feel in one year about this current conflict in my relationship?”

That is the first question that makes people feel better about their relationship conflicts.

After asking this question, people feel more positive about their relationship, research reveals.

Taking up a future perspective like this causes people to interpret their relationship in a more positive light.

When people think about their future together, they tend to be more forgiving about current conflicts.

Mr Alex Huynh, the study’s first author, said:

“When romantic partners argue over things like finances, jealousy, or other interpersonal issues, they tend to employ their current feelings as fuel for a heated argument.

By envisioning their relationship in the future, people can shift the focus away from their current feelings and mitigate conflicts.”

For the study, couples were asked to think back to a recent conflict.

Half took a future-orientation to it while the remainder described it in the present.

People who imagined themselves in the future felt more positive about their relationships, the results showed.

A future orientation encouraged people to be more forgiving to their partner and also blame them less.

Mr Huynh said:

“Our study demonstrates that adopting a future-oriented perspective in the context of a relationship conflict — reflecting on how one might feel a year from now — may be a valuable coping tool for one’s psychological happiness and relationship well-being.”

How are you feeling?

A second simple question that can improve relationships is asking “How are you feeling?”

This is because couples are often poor at knowing when their partner is sad, lonely or a little down.

Instead, couples tend to assume their partner feels the same way as they do.

Asking “How are you feeling?” and working on ’empathic accuracy’ could improve the relationship.

Sadness and loneliness were particularly difficult to read, researchers have found.

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Huynh et al., 2016).

Up to half of people admit to cheating on their partner.

People who cheat at work are more likely to cheat on their partner as well.

Professional misconduct is linked to doubling the rate of marital infidelity, new research finds.

Another common sign of a cheating partner is having been unfaithful in past relationships.

Certain personality types are also more likely to cheat.

Men who are impulsive risk-takers are more likely to cheat on their partner.

Among women, being unhappy with their current relationship is linked with cheating.

On average, across men and women, extraverts are more likely to cheat on their partner, research finds.

It is probably because extraverted people have a wider social circle and so more opportunities to cheat.

Also, extraverts are impulsive, sensation-seekers who can easily succumb to their desires.

People who are low on conscientiousness are also more likely to cheat on their partner.

The latest conclusions about infidelity and professional misconduct come from an analysis of people using the Ashley Madison website.

Ashley Madison is a site for married people to have affairs: its slogan is “Life is short. Have an affair”.

In 2015 their site was hacked and details of 36 million users worldwide were released.

The study used this, along with professional misconduct data on 11,235 people with a variety of occupations, including CEOs, financial advisors and police officers.

Using these datasets, the researchers were able to show that people guilty of professional misconduct were twice as likely to use the Ashley Madison website to have an affair.

Dr Samuel Kruger, study co-author, said:

“This is the first study that’s been able to look at whether there is a correlation between personal infidelity and professional conduct.

We find a strong correlation, which tells us that infidelity is informative about expected professional conduct.”

The study was published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (Griffin et al., 2019).

Using this word is a sign of one of the worst attachment styles for a relationship.

A person who is avoidantly attached to their partner dislikes using the word ‘we’ when discussing the relationship, research finds.

Instead, avoidantly attached individuals use the word ‘I’ more often.

Attachment styles analyse how people respond to threats and problems in their personal relationships.

Around one-quarter of people form avoidant attachments with others.

Avoidant attachments are where one person (or both) in a relationship won’t commit because they want to avoid getting too attached to the other.

Avoidantly attached people dislike a partner who is too “clingy”.

Dr Will Dunlop, the study’s first author, said:

“The pronouns individuals use when narrating their previous experiences from within their romantic lives provide a clue as to their corresponding attachment styles.”

The study included data from 1,400 observations spread across seven different studies.

The results showed that people who avoided using the pronoun ‘we’ were more likely to be avoidantly attached.

Dr Dunlop said:

“Anxious and avoidant attachment styles capture individual differences in the ways people think, feel, and behave in romantic relationships.

Given that those with higher levels of avoidant attachment were found to demonstrate lower levels of we-talk when describing experiences from their romantic lives, considering the use of we words (e.g., us, ours) in the disclosure of previous romantic experiences may offer indication of one’s avoidant tendencies.

This is a relatively novel and indirect way of gauging avoidant attachment, as individuals are typically unaware of the pronouns they use.”

An avoidant attachment style can spring from having caregivers who were over-intrusive, i.e. who are always managing the child’s life and trying to do everything for them.

Avoidance is also the result of unresponsive parenting, which is the opposite of over-intrusive parenting.

Unresponsive parents show little warmth, are emotionally distance, may intentionally avoid their children and have few expectations of their child’s behaviour.

Both types of parenting — too much and too little — are linked to an avoidant attachment style as an adult.

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Dunlop et al., 2019).

It increases relationship satisfaction and marriage solidity.

One of the simplest ways to improve your relationship is to enjoy more hugs and cuddles, research finds.

Couples who experience higher levels of non-sexual touch are more satisfied with their relationships.

Men, in particular, felt more satisfied with their relationships when they were shown more routine affection.

For women, affection through touch was still important, but low levels were linked to relationship dissatisfaction.

Ms Samantha Wagner, the study’s first author, said:

“There’s something specific about touch satisfaction that interplays with relationship satisfaction but not dissatisfaction for wives.”

The study included 184 couples who were interviewed about their relationship and how much affection they routinely showed towards each other.

The results revealed that more affection was linked to better relationships.

On top of this, couple’s satisfaction with non-sexual touch was also linked to having a more solid marriage.

Ms Wagner said:

“Interestingly, there’s some evidence that holding your partner’s hand while you’re arguing de-escalates the argument and makes it more productive.”

However, Ms Wagner warned that not everyone appreciates being touched.

Touch can mean different things to different people and in the wrong context can constitute abuse.

People with autism, for example, can find touch overwhelming.

Still, most people find touch comforting, especially in times of stress, said Ms Wagner:

“Feel free to give some extra snugs on the couch.

There’s plenty of evidence that suggests touch as a way to decrease stress.”

The pandemic has meant that many people cannot be as close to their loved ones as they would wish.

Healthcare workers, for example, may be quarantining themselves from their families.

Ms Wagner said:

“I think we should all hold the loved ones we can a little closer and be thoughtful of the struggles that others might be having because they can’t do just that.

If anything is true for me, a hug has become even more precious than it was before.”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Wagner et al., 2020).

This personality type is more confident in dealing with the inevitable conflicts that marriage throws up.

Extraverts have happier marriages, research finds.

Extraverts tend to have fewer marital problems as newlyweds and are more satisfied with their marriages over time.

The reason may be that extraverts are more confident in dealing with the inevitable conflicts that marriage throws up.

In contrast, shy people tended to have the most problems in their marriage.

Shy people reported more issues with jealousy, money, household management and trust.

Shy people likely find it more difficult to enter relationships so they feel more anxiety about their partner.

The conclusions come from a study of 112 couples who were asked about their shyness and marital satisfaction.

Some of the couples were tracked over six months to see if shyness predicted changes in marital satisfaction.

While shyness was linked to worse relationships, shy people can adjust, the study’s authors write:

“There is hope even though shyness itself might be resistant to change.

People can be taught to have more efficacy in how to resolve the specific marital problems they face.

As a consequence, any marital difficulties prompted by personality can be prevented by explicit training on dealing with marital problems.”

A note on shyness

The study asked people about ‘shyness’, which is linked with introversion, but not the same.

The words shy and introverted are often used interchangeably.

Although there is certainly an overlap, shyness is fear and anxiety about social interactions whereas an introvert may be ambivalent towards them.

So, non-shy people are not necessarily extraverts — although they are likely to be.

The study was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Baker & McNulty, 2010).

People who are less stressed tend to have more friends.

People who have more friends have a higher tolerance for pain, research finds.

Friendships really do help to take the pain away, the study concludes.

Ms Katerina Johnson, the study’s first author, explained how endorphins help kill pain:

“Endorphins are part of our pain and pleasure circuitry — they’re our body’s natural painkillers and also give us feelings of pleasure.

Previous studies have suggested that endorphins promote social bonding in both humans and other animals.

One theory, known as ‘the brain opioid theory of social attachment’, is that social interactions trigger positive emotions when endorphin binds to opioid receptors in the brain.

This gives us that feel-good factor that we get from seeing our friends.

To test this theory, we relied on the fact that endorphin has a powerful pain-killing effect — stronger even than morphine.”

Along with a link between larger social networks and higher pain tolerance, two other interesting findings emerged.

People who were fitter had fewer friends; also those who reported higher stress tended to have smaller social networks.

Ms Johnson explained:

“It may simply be a question of time — individuals that spend more time exercising have less time to see their friends.

…[or] perhaps some people use exercise as an alternative means to get their ‘endorphin rush’ rather than socialising.

The finding relating to stress may indicate that larger social networks help people to manage stress better, or it may be that stress or its causes mean people have less time for social activity, shrinking their network.

Studies suggest that the quantity and quality of our social relationships affect our physical and mental health and may even be a factor determining how long we live.

Therefore, understanding why individuals have different social networks sizes and the possible neurobiological mechanisms involved is an important research topic.

As a species, we’ve evolved to thrive in a rich social environment but in this digital era, deficiencies in our social interactions may be one of the overlooked factors contributing to the declining health of our modern society.”

The study was published in the journal Scientific Reports (Johnson & Dunbar, 2016).