How Poor Gifts Affect Relationships
Gift-giving experiments suggest women react more positively than men to poor gifts - at first.
Buying Christmas presents is hard work: hard on the feet, hard on the bank account and hard on the emotions. Sometimes it feels like a lot of work for little reward. Those nearest and dearest assume you know them well enough to buy a decent present, so that getting it wrong reflects badly on the relationship.
Psychological research on how gift-giving affects relationships hints at this no-win situation. Studies suggest that good gifts only affirm similarity between couples, and so do little for the relationship. Poor gifts, though, may lead people to question their similarity with each other, thereby damaging the relationship. Studies tend to focus on how gifts affect perceived similarity because finding a 'kindred spirit' is thought central to successful relationships and reliably predicts relationship satisfaction (Murray et al., 2002).
But new research by Elizabeth W. Dunn at the University of British Columbia and colleagues, published in the journal Social Cognition, suggests that men and women react quite differently in the short-term to receiving good and bad gifts (Dunn et al., 2008).
Gifts to strangers
To test their theories, Dunn and colleagues set up two experiments, each with a twist in their tail. In the first experiment participants (students at the University of Virginia) were sat down to chat with a new opposite sex acquaintance for four minutes. After this they were asked to select a gift for their new friend from a list of gift certificates for a variety of stores and restaurants. The idea was that each participant then looked at the gift chosen for them and evaluated their perceived similarity with the other person.
Here's the twist: before the experiment each participant had been asked to rank the gift certificates in the order they themselves would like to receive them. Then the experimenters simply fed these preferences straight back to participants as though they had come from their new acquaintance. Half the participants were told the other person had chosen their top choice, and the other half their last-but-one choice. This created two conditions: those who got what they wanted and those who didn't.
When the experimenters looked at the ratings of perceived similarity, the results showed a marked difference in how the men and women had reacted to good and bad gifts. Men who got the gifts they wanted perceived themselves as more similar to the gift-giver, suggesting the better gift would have the expected positive effect on the relationship. Women, though, seemed to be relatively unaffected by whether the present was good or bad.
This is a rather puzzling finding: shouldn't good gifts also increase perceived similarity - and so liking - for women just as the men? A possible solution to this puzzle emerged in the second experiment.
Gift-giving in established relationships
Instead of participants who hadn't met before, the second experiment involved men and women who were already in (heterosexual) relationships. Otherwise the experiment was almost identical, with the same twist that each received what they had indicated were their own best (or worst) gifts. The only difference was that in addition to asking about perceived similarity with their partner, each participant was also asked how long they expected their relationship to last after the gift.
Again, men who received poor gifts, on average, perceived less similarity with their partners and thought their future together was significantly shorter - as you'd expect. But this time women who received the poor gift from their partners actually saw greater perceived similarity and thought that their relationship would continue for longer than those who had received the good gift. Now what's going on?
Psychological defence mechanism
Dunn and colleagues explain that the more threat women felt to their relationship (i.e. from the poor gift), the more they tried to protect against this threat. With a new acquaintance in the first experiment there wasn't much relationship to protect, so the bad gift had no effect compared to the good gift. But when there was a substantial existing relationship to protect, women were motivated to guard against this potential threat. Men, in contrast, made no such effort, saying they didn't like their partner's choice and, by extension, their partner.
Now before men start thinking they can use these experiments to justify giving their partners poor gifts, remember that these studies are short-term and probably only represent men and women's first instinct when receiving good and bad gifts.
The real lesson is that women are more motivated than men to marshal psychological defence mechanisms to protect against the damaging effects of poor gifts. Over the long-term the story is likely to be the same for both sexes: bad gifts damage relationships by chipping away at their heart; the feeling that in this big, bad world you've found someone who really understands you, and knows what you like.
[Image credit: monettenriquez]
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Interesting, I would like to see a similar study done with young male and female children. It would also be interesting to extend this to different cultures.
What i'm getting as is that I wonder if it's partly biological or if it's mostly just that women are conditioned to be this way.
To what extent (if any) do women simply value gifts more than men. It would seem to me that the cultural expectation (men as providers of material wealth) would lead women to appreciate any gift so long as its expensive (i.e. indicates material wealth on the part of the giver).
As a woman, I'm going to to try to shed some light on this, using my own personal experience. In my current relationship, I've never gotten a gift that I didn't love (most of which I never really expressed explicit desire to receive), which to me always expressed the idea that my boyfriend understood me, not necessarily that we were similar (which we are not). Conversely, my father (not a love interest, but a very significant male relationship), hasn't given me a successful gift since age eight or so, and the success of which has deteriorated with each passing year. Unsurprisingly, I do not feel like my father understands me. The monetary value of the gifts I liked versus the ones I didn't isn't a significant factor.
My feelings are that the likability of a gift has less to do with the similarity of the giver and receiver than the strength of the bond between the two. I also think women use the likability of the gift to determine the health of said relationship, and have a greater desire (for whatever reason) to heal it, because they know a problem exists.
I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but for what it's worth, my boyfriend and I have a warm, loving, and healthy relationship, whereas my father and I's relationship is strained to the point of practically nonexistent.
I would agree with ilikemints3. With Christmas coming up, I notice this a lot with myself. I want to buy gifts for those closest to me. Money isn't a factor- but it is a big deal. I want to get something they will all like. I hate getting gifts that they tell me they like, and I'm disappointed when I get a gift I specifically mentioned to them I wanted. (I still love it, it is the thought that counts- really it does) But I want something that shows that we are close. Of course- I don't think that poor gifts hurt a relationship. I don't see how that matters. Many of the people I'm closest to have horrible gift buying ability. (bless their hearts) I think it is probably that good gifts increase the relationship. Although, I might be wrong about that.
Very interesting, but only the beginning.
About women reactions, women are different. They feel different abour their partners, react differently to their actions and have different emotional and behavioral patterns (and I mean in the same culture). In my case, talking about couples, if I react well to a poor gift that is poor in the terms of bad taste but not in the lack of effort, is because I know my boyfriend's feelings and I know he really made an effort trying to find something for me. Maybe the key here is the confidence I have in my relationship. Other women will get upset and won't talk to their boyfriends until they make up. And other women will react well but shake inside and tell themselves this doesn't mean their relationship is doomed.
As Rick Minerich suggests, this is a very interesting study and it should be extended. Not only to children and other cultures, but to what is behind the approvals and disappointments.
And there are others who are not affected by neither a good nor a bad gift - though a good gift is a bonus.
Perhaps, I am projecting my own experiences, but to me the study shows just how insecure women are in themselves to openly look the truth in the face and decide not to settle for less. Women (ok, may be I am talking about myself again) tend to clutch on relationships, thinking this is what they have and they ought to protect it no matter what, even though it involves closing their eyes on the obvious truth of the differences in personalities or the luck of attempt to please indicated by poor gifts.
Of course there are exceptions. Many men do try hard but genuinely do not know what to give to their girls. Of course, any effort counts. But you know what.... if the guy is really in love he will crawl out of his skin to give his girl the most wonderful, romantic present possible. And yes, it will be wrapped and wonderfully presented to you. And yes, there will be a card. That counts, too.
It looks to me that men are more honest and secure with themselves and do no lower their standards.