Are You Just Shy or Do You Have a Social Phobia?
There's a 50% chance that you consider yourself shy. But is this 'just' shyness or is it a mental disorder? Since 1980 the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by psychiatrists in diagnosis has included the categories of 'social phobia' and 'social anxiety disorder'. This suggests that what would previously have been your particular way of being, has become a 'disorder' with a biological cause which needs some medication...
No one would dispute the fact that shyness is on a continuum, but in his new book, 'Shyness: How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness
The problem, Lane argues, is that DSM-defined symptoms of impairment in 1980 included fear of eating alone in restaurants, concern about hand trembling while writing checks, fear of public speaking and avoidance of public restrooms.By 1987 the DSM had removed the key phrase "a compelling desire to avoid," requiring instead only "marked distress," and signs of that could include concern about saying the wrong thing. "Impairment became something largely in the eye of the beholder, and anticipated embarrassment was enough to meet the diagnostic threshold," says Lane.
"That's a ridiculous way to assess a serious mental disorder, with implications for the way we also view childhood traits and development," Lane adds. "But that didn't stop SAD from becoming what Psychology Today dubbed 'the disorder of the 1990s.'"
Privately shy
Where, though, are all these shy people hiding and what causes it? Bernardo Carducci, Director of the Shyness Research Institute and Phillip Zimbardo explain:
- Many people are shy without appearing ill-at-ease. Only a small percentage (15-20%) are visibly shy to the casual observer.
- Shyness is mostly the result of parenting and life experiences although it does have a small genetic component.
- Levels of shyness vary across cultures with Israelis being the least shy and those from Japan and Taiwan being the most shy.
- Levels of shyness in the US have increased by about 10% to the current figure of 50% in the last three decades.
- Some people are shy extroverts - US talk-show host David Letterman is a good example of someone who has learned to 'act' extroverted.
Costs of shyness
Shy people are at risk of losing out in many situations:
- Shy children may self-select solitary activities which fail to boost their social skills.
- Shy children are the easiest targets for bullies at school as they are usually highly reactive.
- Shyness leads to loneliness. Loneliness isn't good for anyone.
- Shyness leads to a lack of social support. We all need someone to give us a bit of perspective. Without it we can easily hold onto unrealistic beliefs about ourselves and others.
- Shy people find it difficult to live in the present in social situations - they will tend to hesitate while they review what are perceived as past failures.
Carducci and Zimbardo only mention one ray of hope for the shy: they make good listeners. It's not much, though, set against this litany of disadvantages.
Overcoming shyness
John Wesley, who explains his shyness is a major weakness, has some useful suggestions about how to overcome shyness:
- 'It's Not You It's Them' - Realising that the perceived slights from others shouldn't be taken personally.
- 'Other People Aren't So Different' - Well now you know 50% of people consider themselves shy - that's a lot of people who feel the same as you.
- 'Realizing Self-Worth' - Get used to sharing your thoughts with others by forcing yourself to speak up.
- 'The Duty to Contribute' - Shyness can limit your own growth and your ability to contribute.
These are useful suggestions and most of them involve what shyness expert Dr Carducci sees as the central issue (Carducci, 2000). For the shy, he argues, the key is to become more other-directed.
A group identified in the research as the 'successfully shy' recognise their own shyness and take particular steps to combat it. They plan ahead for gaps in the conversation, they arrive early to parties to get the lie of the land, they rehearse conversational opening gambits. They use any trick to move their focus of attention from themselves and their own self-consciousness and outwards to the other people.
Dr Carducci argues that what our society needs is not less shy people but actually more 'successfully shy' people. I couldn't agree more.
Are you shy?
If you consider yourself shy do you agree with the research findings discussed above. If not, what is your experience of shyness? What strategies do you use to combat your shyness?
Reference
Carducci, B. (2000). Shyness: The New Solution. Psychology Today, 33(1), 38-40.
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Anon, perhaps try one of the online support groups that exist? Unfortunately I can't recommend a specific one, but have a look around.
Thanks to everyone for posting and trying to help others.
Very cool.
I have no problem with situations like a party, speaking in front of others (although I'm like most people in that I'm nervous if it's a large group).
My problem is that when it comes to speaking to women I'm attracted to, I'm a complete failure. I've been without a relationship for over 16 years and I've completely given up hope in that area.
I guess you could say I'm romantically retarded because I've had almost no girlfriends my whole life. And it's not because I'm physically repulsive, smell bad or I don't know what else.
I'm the "you-re-SUCH-a-NICE-guy" that every girl bitches about their boyfriends to.
I'm sick of being thought of that way and the few times I've ever tried to start something romantic, I've gotten the "let's just be friends" spiel.
I've got a Black Belt in Let's-Just-Be-Friends.
I'm just so lonely that I feel like dying.
Whooooah! Hold on. That wasn't a hint that I'm going to take my own life. It's just that without somebody to share my life with, the pain is just horrible.
Meh... I'm just rambling at this point but maybe by reading this blog more, I'll get some sort of insight as to what I'm doing wrong.
Thanks again for setting this site up and for everyone comments.
I think I've always been shy, mainly around people i dont know. I didnt think it was that bad until now. I realized that my heart would speed up when some one called on me to speak in class and that I could never present in front of a group of people without wanting to cry before and afterwards. Its always mistaken for unconfidence because most people i know think that, when in fact i am very sure of myself, I just don't like to be in large public social groups. It nice to see that so many other people are on the same page.
I have experienced extreme social phobia since I was a kid. I have also experienced extreme confidence in front of people. But it keeps coming back and ruining my life at odd times for no reason. It is triggered randomly even in circumstances where I normally have no problems. Sometimes I feel that god is toying with me. My IQ is very high, I'm gifted in many different subjects, I'm handsome and get a lot of attention from beautiful women, but I get so nervous that I avoid speaking to them. I've been accused of being gay which I'm not,
I used to be a homophobe, but now I'm just a Humanphobe. People like me, but I find it hard to allow anyone to get close to me. I've become a recluse and started smoking and drinking every day for months now. I used to be healthy into bodybuilding. This life doesn't make any sense. I don't want to deal with this any longer.
There is no other way.
I have just been diagnosed with social phobia, though i know i have had it sence i can remeber .It has gotten worse the past six months.I was always extremly shy but i could get by.I couldnt go to a party but to a doctors or shopping i was ok. .I recently went to the dentist wich i had been to many times but the last time for some reason i started shaking when they were busy with my teeth.My heatbeat was so loud i thought they could even hear it.While i was panicking i was thinking this is so stupid but i couldnt stop panicking.I was so close to just leaving with my mouth half done. I have fixed it with alcohol in the past.If it wasnt for the alcohol i dont think id be married today.I now have kids so i have went for help and iam now on antidepresants.Ill take anything before i become an alcoholic for my kids
My data important to understanding this story is my age: 19, am a man, I'm not mannerisms, nor gay, I'm heterosexual.
Well I think it all started at school me and my cousin we liked Power Rangers and my cousin always chose the Pink Power Ranger (female), then this means that we identify with a woman? A child of 7 years, you think that is something important to discuss?, On the other side of me honestly if I like to represent the yellow Power Ranger and I do not know why, for more cool powers I do not know, but all this does not mean that we already have sexual orientation, age considered. Then a colleague from school heard, saw this in the selection of "Heroes," I realized I did this, instead of choosing a male model. My cousin did not care.
So I think from there began to tell a gay, and this was at school and I reported this ...
Then from there the story begins
I'm afraid to go out into the street, that people who treated me badly, I see my former colleagues from the bus, I'm always looking around to looking in the cars, I know it's silly but I do, I can not go jogging to a site is like a mountain that I know is a good place to exercise but I am concerned that many buses go there Would you pass?
The people that I have not done anything wrong I do not care.
Buses scare me because there is a lot of people, my psychologist told him my problem, trotting in that "good place" he's there, it's an obstacle, I embarrassed because he knows my problem.
I no longer want to live in this city because I see the same people
contradiction is something I like to live in a big city, but where are they, who finished with my masculinity at the time.
Know why, because at that time I doubted myself whether my behavior, my movements or mannerisms were feminine, I knew not, so ...
The fact is that when I was in college I was never shy, I never defended claims, the words gay, gay told me that every day (over three years) and that a man can be seen as feminine (tame), it does not say bad words, most of all liabilities, (for reasons I say that word?), then almost all of my forty companions began to tell gay every day 1st 2nd and third year of college for men only, I stand to go to the bathroom by the fact that I say this is "men's bathroom," not playing football, although he never liked me, all my classmates were playing, I think it is a very masculine sport, and I see me playing with them, as happened with bath and the curse, never used, I think are very important for life.
At that time I yelled from the bus even gay. I just wanted to get to my house and refugees. Came about to mourn.
I became shy without realizing, in fourth grade I changed my school, luckily that history was not repeated until leaving school.
This led me there was not spontaneous 11, 12 and 13 (at school) 19 years now and I think every day getting rid of it and I do not know cause or social phobia
Be good in a place where these people live.
Men intimidate me as a result, women have no problem, I am very spontaneous with them.
And I am angry with myself because I never did anything to help me, recently I told this to my parents.
Additional Information
I do not know if they know what hurts worse, I'm yawning excessively lately, I have to open your mouth for a long sigh as if achieving a deep breath that gives me pleasure, but then I feel I have to re-breathe the air for my chest, I hope I understand. Be anxiety or something ...
To summarize, I am concerned that they see me on the street. And what once was a former colleague and I noticed I'm sure he probably said that I was gay or something like a stranger to me and a friend for him or ...? made me look bad.
And I've never had a girlfriend, please no misunderstandings.
When I was in third year of puñetes I believe it took me so long and fell about gay. Help me understand everything.
When I changed the 4th college course and I told my new colleagues gay, or anything like that, I think it freed me, everything normal, but he was shy. That did about three friends and I underestimate them because they are ugly and shy, I have no male friends, is a quarrelsome man, daring, malhablado it intimidates me.
Currently
I'm in college and I took with my fellow men, they have told me gay, but very rarely and I do not know why, because I do not say bad words, I am not "done the male" or quarrelsome, for I am quiet, shy because they never showed anger, because they never answered (I think this is just ignored them and that is wrong), yet I have good character and gives a feminine appearance, I do not really know.
Please advise me, we are all psychologists.
Why nobody's going to like me? Do I intimidate men or what?
I am shy, and I agree with the above very much so.
I behave and deal with my shyness precisely as described in certain situations. Very gratefull for this text.