Are You Just Shy or Do You Have a Social Phobia?
There's a 50% chance that you consider yourself shy. But is this 'just' shyness or is it a mental disorder? Since 1980 the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by psychiatrists in diagnosis has included the categories of 'social phobia' and 'social anxiety disorder'. This suggests that what would previously have been your particular way of being, has become a 'disorder' with a biological cause which needs some medication...
No one would dispute the fact that shyness is on a continuum, but in his new book, 'Shyness: How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness
The problem, Lane argues, is that DSM-defined symptoms of impairment in 1980 included fear of eating alone in restaurants, concern about hand trembling while writing checks, fear of public speaking and avoidance of public restrooms.By 1987 the DSM had removed the key phrase "a compelling desire to avoid," requiring instead only "marked distress," and signs of that could include concern about saying the wrong thing. "Impairment became something largely in the eye of the beholder, and anticipated embarrassment was enough to meet the diagnostic threshold," says Lane.
"That's a ridiculous way to assess a serious mental disorder, with implications for the way we also view childhood traits and development," Lane adds. "But that didn't stop SAD from becoming what Psychology Today dubbed 'the disorder of the 1990s.'"
Privately shy
Where, though, are all these shy people hiding and what causes it? Bernardo Carducci, Director of the Shyness Research Institute and Phillip Zimbardo explain:
- Many people are shy without appearing ill-at-ease. Only a small percentage (15-20%) are visibly shy to the casual observer.
- Shyness is mostly the result of parenting and life experiences although it does have a small genetic component.
- Levels of shyness vary across cultures with Israelis being the least shy and those from Japan and Taiwan being the most shy.
- Levels of shyness in the US have increased by about 10% to the current figure of 50% in the last three decades.
- Some people are shy extroverts - US talk-show host David Letterman is a good example of someone who has learned to 'act' extroverted.
Costs of shyness
Shy people are at risk of losing out in many situations:
- Shy children may self-select solitary activities which fail to boost their social skills.
- Shy children are the easiest targets for bullies at school as they are usually highly reactive.
- Shyness leads to loneliness. Loneliness isn't good for anyone.
- Shyness leads to a lack of social support. We all need someone to give us a bit of perspective. Without it we can easily hold onto unrealistic beliefs about ourselves and others.
- Shy people find it difficult to live in the present in social situations - they will tend to hesitate while they review what are perceived as past failures.
Carducci and Zimbardo only mention one ray of hope for the shy: they make good listeners. It's not much, though, set against this litany of disadvantages.
Overcoming shyness
John Wesley, who explains his shyness is a major weakness, has some useful suggestions about how to overcome shyness:
- 'It's Not You It's Them' - Realising that the perceived slights from others shouldn't be taken personally.
- 'Other People Aren't So Different' - Well now you know 50% of people consider themselves shy - that's a lot of people who feel the same as you.
- 'Realizing Self-Worth' - Get used to sharing your thoughts with others by forcing yourself to speak up.
- 'The Duty to Contribute' - Shyness can limit your own growth and your ability to contribute.
These are useful suggestions and most of them involve what shyness expert Dr Carducci sees as the central issue (Carducci, 2000). For the shy, he argues, the key is to become more other-directed.
A group identified in the research as the 'successfully shy' recognise their own shyness and take particular steps to combat it. They plan ahead for gaps in the conversation, they arrive early to parties to get the lie of the land, they rehearse conversational opening gambits. They use any trick to move their focus of attention from themselves and their own self-consciousness and outwards to the other people.
Dr Carducci argues that what our society needs is not less shy people but actually more 'successfully shy' people. I couldn't agree more.
Are you shy?
If you consider yourself shy do you agree with the research findings discussed above. If not, what is your experience of shyness? What strategies do you use to combat your shyness?
Reference
Carducci, B. (2000). Shyness: The New Solution. Psychology Today, 33(1), 38-40.
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When I wrote my paper on Social Phobia in my second year, I contacted people from the social phobia forum here in my country. They helped me understand that it‘s a way more serious problem that an outsider could ever imagine. Being afraid of embarrassment because you did something stupid is one thing, being afraid even to go out just because someone will look at you and you will blush or your hands will start shaking and they will notice and OH MY GOD! is not even in the same league. And most of these people know that these fears are unreasonable, but just as with any other phobia they can‘t do much about it.
I have never been a shy person. However, naturally, I've always experienced a little social anxiety when having to speak to a group of unknowns. Here's what I've learned...
Sometimes I feel like shyness is simply due to people lacking the right tools. Here are some of mine:
ARSENAL OF KEYWORDS- to communicate effectively.
Listen to a few speeches of people you admire or communicate well...integrate some of their language and keywords into yours.
PRE-MADE MATERIAL- (like a comedian) works wonders. Conversation starters, general openers, even a few one-line jokes are good to have on hand.
Someone I respect once said, "it's not about confidence it's competence".
LISTS- I think lists are particularly effective (and as they say, he "Who writes, reads twice.") They can be as simple as a list of cool restaurants, places to visit, stuff you've learned, good quotes, coolest things you've ever done (a highly respected ad agency owner once opened an interview w. "what's the coolest thing you've ever done")
personally, I email myself this kind of stuff, keep organized computer stickies on all my computers...I even keep lists on my cell or text myself stuff. no joke.
BODY LANGUAGE- just be aware of it. Check in with it...it'll start to open up more.
Another good tip I came up with recently.... rarely is a person in charge shy. So pretend you're the one paying everyone. Act like the boss. Which also means relax. It's the employees that tend to be the "high strung/kiss butt ones" never the leader.
I'm a big believer that the more interesting things you do the more interesting you are and if your interesting then they're interested.
Enyu, like you I was quite surprised at the number of people who consider themselves shy.
Hilary, thanks for your tips - very useful.
I wonder how shyness and introversion relate.
As someone who is a bit of both, I experience one definite advantage of not socialising as much as others: I get more stuff done. I'm a dedicated cook, I play 3 or 4 instruments, I know a few programming languages, I do extracurricular research, I maintain a blog, I watch tons of movies and tv series, I have a 40 gig music collection, I read extensively, I work out, and I maintain a first-class degree.
I don't think this is because I'm particularly ambitious or talented. It's just that I have a lot of time on my hands. During periods of my life when I've socialised more, I notice that my other "projects" slow down quite considerably.
All of this is quite anecdotal, of course, but I'd be curious to see it studied in a more systematic manner.
I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog. I am not a shy person, but I do have social phobia. I have never met anyone like me, nor anyone who can understand what I go through. I will go out to eat alone, go the movies alone, even go to a bar/club alone to hear a good band BUT I will not go to a party, wedding, or any other social event that involves socializing unless I absolutely have to. I even stopped going to church because the anxiety of having to talk to people afterwards would start on Friday and ruin my weekend. I could go on and on about how hard it is and how much I hate it. I love people. I am warm and friendly and can talk your ear off one on one...but socializing causes deep anxiety and stress and often results in me getting very ill.
Thanks for letting me share
Johan, yes, shyness is moderately correlated with the personality construct of introversion, as well as with neuroticism.
Barbara, thanks for sharing your experience - very interesting.
I'm an NLP master practitioner and former shy person and phobia sufferer. One reason I became a practitioner of these techniques was that I was personally able to get rapid relief from these life long patterns.
One day I had a client with a severe phobia and was able to help him in a matter of hours.
It was so much fun and so easy, in contrast to working with weight loss and smoking cessation clients, that it led me to focus my practice on fears, phobias, anxiety & shyness. It is now routine for me to help people with severe shyness or social phobia to clear their fear.
I am always stunned that the psychological community rarely if ever mentions NLP, Hypnosis, Time Line Therapy or EFT. These are powerful drug free techniques that really work.
Over the years I have never met a phobia sufferer who was not keenly intelligent, sensitive, creative and imaginative.
When we work together to clear the shyness or phobia we can address the root cause event and neutralize the triggers from the past that cause the present distress.
Once they learn how to manage their internal pictures, feelings, self talk, focus, and interpretations of external events they can often be free of the fear in hours.
What frustrates me tremendously is that so many people who are suffering from this and beating themselves up for being shy or for having such a reaction to social situations that it makes them sick, could be helped without drugs and without spending years in therapy.
But because actually solving the problem doesn't result in repeat sales of pills, NLP is basically unknown.
Anyway, thanks for all of your tips and comments I will definitely refer my clients to this blog.
Mark Shepard
This is an absolutely wonderful post, and it is rings very true. I considered myself shy for a number of years and I'm certainly one of those considered, 'successfully shy.' But I've also known other things to happen. I've seen people go from being shy to being the absolute opposite and suddenly they talk to everyone in the world that's around them without a second thought.
I think that the truth of the matter in regards to genetics and to conditioning is that, of course, it all seems to lie somewhere in the middle. As Mark says, NLP is a very powerful tool for eliminating shyness. And if NLP, a simple psychological process, can work through a problem like shyness, can we really say that genes are to blame? I think the fault probably lies more on conditioning and painful past experience.
My solution to shyness is often the solution that I chose which was: 'throw yourself into it and force yourself to adapt.' The reason this works so well is because if you can simply override your fear with willpower and start focusing on the trial and error process, you'll quickly catch up to the others. There is a sort of social stasis that develops and beyond the basic rules few people bother to transcend those.
For those who do, well, that's another story. But the point I'm making is that being social and personable is not something that is meant to be difficult and short of chemical complications, shyness can be overcome.
-Scott Lee
ScottFreeThinking.com
Hi Mark, the problem for NLP is that generally its practitioners are not interested in scientific validation. The mantra in NLP is: if it works for you, keep doing it; if not discard it. Clinical psychologists have to work from an evidence base and as there are few (if any?) peer-reviewed studies that provide support for it, they don't use it.
As a result clinical psychologists will tend to use the drug-free treatment of cognitive-behavioural therapy which studies have shown is extremely effective for treating anxiety.
Scott, yup, thanks for your comment.
Found an article on overcoming shyness from "Pick the Brain" here: http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/overcoming-shyness/
(and if you like this blog, check out the http://liferemix.net/ site :)
I am a psychology student. I don't know if i have social phobia. I am very quiet in social situations. I go everywhere if i have the company of someone i trust, like my boryfriend or a friend, someone i feel good with. but i won't go to the gym, to a bar, or to a restaurante alone. I go to a coffee shop alone to wait for someone, if i absolutely have to. i don't have a problem going alone to a public restroom, though i don't feel that comfortable. same thing with going to the movies alone, i managed to go once, just to avoid playing bowling. that's because i also hate games, specially games that make u work as a team or against other players. i like tennis, and solitaire games. i hate team games...i always think we're gonna loose because i'm no good at it. i'm also terrified of presenting works before a classroom, or speaking up, or in public at all, i just feel ill. the thing is, if i really have to do it, i manage. specially if im alone. for some reason, if i'm with someone i know, i'm scared of asking for informations, or paying at a restaurant, i always hand my boyfriend the money so he pays.
i feel i have times in my life when i feel more confident and i can do anything. and the there are other times i come back to this.
Hi Isabel, thanks for sharing your experience.
I have a job that requires me to do a lot of community facilitation and advocacy, and I have had lots of feedback that I am a highly competent and persuasive facilitator, speaker and that people -especially children and young people find the workshops very empowering and transformative. But I freeze when I am in conversation one-to-one with adults. It takes so much out of me to do the work I do, although it also gives me really great satisfaction to contribute to communities and the wonderful people I work alongside. I do not go to parties, I find it very hard to look people in the eyes, I am happiest in my own quiet space,I read heaps, I have a healthy relationship with a wonderful partner and my family. Shy or social phobia - I don't know. But It takes an awful lot out of me to continue to do the work I do. I wish it were just easier, is all!
As to strategies, I move around the room, trying to talk to all. I smile a lot and really listen and connect with at least a few people there. I don't drink so I get tongue-tied. I try to go to functions with a couple of close friends and move to and away from them, so there's a level of safe space when I need it -And I just try to remember that time to myself IS really important, and that I am working with community for a purpose, as much for me, as for others :)
Neena, thanks for posting a comment - it sounds like you're one of the successfully shy that Dr Carducci is talking about.
I know I am shy/social phobic. Just to mention I have been to functions where I am around groups and every time I open my mouth people tend to change the converstation and bond together and the more I try the more I feel left out and the group bonds closer. I'm just starting to seek help by being on this site. It's very painful and humiliating which is causing me to be reclusive and I't not what I want. If anyone has any info on where I can start to get help I will be very humblely appreciated. Thanks